Afterlife and a 4 yo: Sparkles and stars (and robots)

A few weeks ago I had a very memorable chat with Hawk while he was on the potty.  Pooping, naturally.  It was Halloween time and he'd been fascinated with the blow-up creatures in all the yards, particularly a Dracula arising out of a coffin.

"What's a coffin?" soon followed.

"Well, it's what we put dead people in before we bury them underground."

"..."

Yeah, so that loop had been going on for several days.  Add to it The Iron Giant to the movie mix (for those of you unfamiliar with this animated flick, Hogarth, the young protagonist, befriends a giant robot from outer space who happens to have a soul) and you get the potty question:

"Mommy?  Where do we go after we're dead?"

I wasn't expecting this deep, beautiful, complex question yet.  And certainly not in the bathroom.  I was just thankful we were at home where this moment could be captured and held private.

"Well, we have these things inside of us called 'souls', and souls make us think and feel and wonder about things.  Remember The Iron Giant and how Hogarth thought he had a soul?"

He nods.

"It's like that.  And when we die, our bodies stop working and our souls sparkle up and out of us and fly up to mix with the stars with all the other souls."

He seemed to really love the idea.  But he still wanted to make sure that there was absolutely no part of "us" that was buried under ground.  I can't say that I blame him there.

I'm not religious, but I guess you could lump me in with the millions of others that now consider themselves spiritual.  I've been in a church less than 20 times in my life and I'm pretty certain I'd burst into flames if I did.  I'm not interested in dogma, archaic mythologies and ideals.  I'd sooner subscribe to the church of Oprah than anything else.  My views are really exactly what I just described.

When Dad died I was forced to confront my beliefs (or lack there of).  The way I saw it, I could either a) Think finitely and scientifically: when a dude dies, he's dead, game over.  Which would mean I had shit tons of unfinished business with my father and a lifetime of regret; or b) Think fluidly and magically: the second Dad died, he KNEW.  I didn't have to explain anything else, worry about what was or wasn't said, or have a moment of regret over What If.  I was good.

I opted for choice B.

I admit it serves me well, but honestly, it was always lingering there under the surface: do I or don't I believe?  Belief in what, exactly, wasn't really the point.  I just needed an anchor from which to pivot.

I hope that this is sufficient for Hawk.  I had no guidance when it came to the afterlife or souls or anything like it growing up (I didn't even know my mother believed in Jesus Christ until I was 22).  I want this kind of thing to be part of our lives and ongoing discussions.  I want my baby to feel connected and protected and part of something bigger than himself.  I want him to believe in the magic of robots with souls and in his own.

Time, wishes, and raindrops

The Anniversary Clock that couldn't.

Today is Hawk's 4th birthday, which, to all you parents out there, is more than just a day of celebration.  It's also a day of remembrance.  Like, I'm sitting here at 7:49 am listening to the first rain in months and thinking, "Four years ago today I was in the hospital with Hawk nestled in my arms and happily latched onto my boob; Rooster was passed out from sheer exhaustion on the tiny little hospital bed to my left, his broad shoulders painfully folded in; nurses were coming in and out checking on my bleeding, asking me how I felt; and my heart and soul were realigning with the weight and honor of motherhood."

Yeah, so that's what I was doing on October 9th four years ago and today?  Today I'm alone in a dark apartment.  A massive rainstorm is bathing the parched ground outside and not a crack of sky is evident.  I can hear birds calling and raindrops on rooftops, the ticking of my keyboard and the purring of the cat.  But, I am alone.

Hawk is with his grandparents this morning.  I just called to wish him a happy birthday on the speaker phone.  Apparently, I woke up the whole house. "I can't talk right now because I'm too sleepy" he says in his Jersey accent. -- Goddamn, I love that little guy. --   But more importantly here, even if he weren't with PapaMimi, he'd be with Rooster.  He'd be apart from me.  On his birthday.

My life is so different from four years ago it seems almost unrecognizable.  The last month or so has been more brutal than all the rest.  I'm having a terrible time of reconciling my life today with my hopes from yesteryear.  I don't regret the divorce, but I regret needing one.  I wish that my life and my choices were the right ones for me and that my family were intact.  That I could get all my needs met and still be a "party of 3", be with my baby whenever I wanted to be, and safe with someone.

I don't want the old life I had, but I'm in such a place of flux.  I have no anchor, no base.  I'm in a transition and could be for years.

For our first anniversary, my parents gave Rooster and me an Anniversary Clock (this thing that you wind once a year and its pendulum twists).  The story goes that if it stops "ticking" then it's bad luck.  I'll never forget the day it did just that.  I laughed and said to my husband, "Oh my gawd!  Does this mean we're going to get divorced??  Say it isn't so!"  And he laughed warmly and said it was just a mechanical malfunction.  We never did get that clock to go for an entire year.

And yet, I wouldn't trade anything for Hawk.  I'll take all the broken clocks, the lonely mornings, the tears, the struggles and tribulations for one minute of knowing that kid.  I have to consciously beat down thoughts of losing him and remember to live my life with him as if we'll make it to 70 and 102 together.  The love and tenderness I feel for his little gassy, funny, precocious, sweet, thoughtful, and mercurial butt is all-consuming, all-defining.

Without trying to sound too dramatic, in some small way, motherhood is the negative space to my Me.  It shapes me without being me.  And so that makes today even more important because in a way I was born today, too.  It's still Hawk's big day, but I will also take this quiet morning alone to open my own little present to myself: knowing him and loving him.

Being awesome requires eye protection.

My heart. It's swelling.

A note found in Hawk's pocket at school addressed to "Hawk's Mom & Dad".

3:41 pm: In my best friend's cooler

 

It's how mommies roll, am I right?

Goats and mommies: More alike than you think

I love the conversations I'm having these days. Honestly, nothing tops them.

"Mommy," Hawk asks, "why is there a goat on my yogurt?"

"Because I like goats' milk yogurt better than cows' milk."

"Cows make milk, too!"

"Yes, all mammal mommies make milk for their babies: bears, tigers, horses, beavers..."  I wondered if I'd lost him with the whole "mammal mommy" thing, so I added, "Mammals are animals who give birth to their babies through their vaginas then feed their babies at their breast" (I may have done a weird squat and baby-catching hand gesture as I said this).

Elated that he knew what I was saying Hawk interjects, "And you made milk in your boobs, too!!"

"Yes, I did! But it doesn't last forever; just so long as the baby needs it."

"But you still have boobs, right??"

I glance down at my chest, "It sure looks like I do!" and he giggles as he scoops another spoonful of wildflower honey yogurt in his mouth.

Loopty-lou of life: Some seminal moments

 

Hawk 'n Rooster.  My dudes, redefined.

There have been some seminal moments in my life since I last posted.  All good, some sad.  I'll list them in order of precedence in my mind:

Numero Uno:
While at Rooster's house, Hawk grabbed a curtain rod (don't ask) and pulled the two pieces apart.  He handed me one, kept the other for himself and started making light saber noises with his.

"Mommy," he says between "vhooms", "you're Luke Skywalker and I'm Darf Vader."  And he raises his sword and strikes mine down.

My freakin' heart exploded.  I mean, intelligent, imaginative play; a worthy opponent; Star Wars!?!

♥

No. 2:
Rooster and I officially filed for divorce.

The day it happened I was in tears.  I felt like each cell had a tiny string attached to it and they were all being slowly pulled in different directions.  It was a feeling of implosion and explosion all at once.

I spent the evening at Rooster's eating chicken tetrazzini and sharing the documents with him.  It was at once horrifically sad and wonderfully exciting.  I love the way our relationship is transforming and molding to our situation.  As adept as we were at communicating through our marriage, we're equally agile in dissolving it.

I'm proud of the way we're handling things and I am eternally grateful for his support, intellect, kindness, and devotion.  We have our moments, for sure, but honestly I'll take our "moments" over other divorcing couples' any day.

No. 3:
Hawk has become very popular at school.  Numerous times teachers have come up to me to tell me that the other children like him very much, particularly the girls.  One little girl he's always with, Fleur, even told the teachers that she loves him "very much."  And whenever she's around when we pick him up she races over to hug him.  Sometimes multiple times.

Ok, that deserves another ♥

I can't tell you how happy this makes me.  For kids to be successful, they have to be liked in some manner.  Either it's a spirit they have or a talent, but it's something other kids are drawn to.  And by "successful" I mean navigate through life towards their own goals with as little barbarism as possible.  Likeability is a key factor in this.  I know some people are born with it, others have to learn it, but I'm glad it's coming naturally to him at this point in his life, because who knows?  it may not last his entire school career.

Hawk's two best friends at school: Keenan on the left, Fleur on the right.

 

 

   

 Spiderman. 

  

 

 Spiderman again.

 Today it's a cape.

 

 

  

Safety first, yo.

No. 4:
Hawk wrote his name (with some direction from me).

 

No. 5:
I took my body measurements and I'm 41-32-43.  This makes me very happy; I've never been so content with my body in my life.  The numbers aren't what I used to want, but I love them now.   It's true what I've heard about your 30s all along: they really do fucking rock.  I think the days of hating my body may very well be over.  Woooooo!

No. 6:
Hawk prefers Rooster over me, in a major way.  I'm toughing it out, but it hurts like a bitch.  I'm finding little moments to connect with him and keeping a stiff upper lip about the whole thing, so it's not too fucking awful (no, wait.  It actually really is), but it still sucks ass.

In Hawk's eyes, it must seem like I've abandoned him -- we spend so much less time together than before.  It's another hurdle we have to get over, I guess.

I often repeat, "It's a phase, it's a phase, it's a phase."

 What I woke up to one morning.  Yay!

  

A cupcake after dinner. There may or may not have been a meltdown incident after this.

 

A Wednesday morning (on an off-week) spent reconnecting over pancakes.

It's been an eventful week or two, for sure.  I can do this, though.  I'm feeling the momentum building...

I'm not the most crunchy, but I'm still au naturale

Welcome to the November Carnival of Natural Parenting: What Is Natural Parenting?


This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month our Carnival coincides with the launch of Natural Parents Network,  a community of parents and parents-to-be who practice or are interested in attachment parenting and natural family living. Join us at Natural Parents Network to be informed, empowered, and inspired!

Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

***

I drive an SUV, I used disposable diapers, I bought baby food, and I occasionally use over-the-counter medicines; I serve frozen dinners and cheesy poofs for dinner; I vaccinated Hawk; I plan on sending him to public school.


These are all tenets that typically go against the "natural parent philosophy," but I'm here to tell you I'm still, most definitely and positively, a natural parent.


I choose to define myself by guidelines that fit my life and my lifestyle, my presiding beliefs, and because I do this I am confident and sure in my strides as a parent.  And, despite my implementation of some less-than-crunchy things, my life is mostly bent toward ecological mindedness, a healthy population, healthy bodies, and sharp minds.


I guess what I'm saying is, embrace the natural parts of your philosophy and identify with the greater natural parenting community for support, companionship, inspiration, and guidance.  And also because they rock.


For me, being gentle, respectful, and mindful are in the forefront of my mind throughout my daily parenting practice.  I'm always asking myself if I'm requesting developmentally appropriate things of Hawk, and how do his reactions to my requests fit in to my expectations of our relationship.  I don't hit, I don't shame; I don't ask his permission or treat him like an equal, either.  I am the boss, but it's a give and take relationship.  If it takes an extra hour of talking, attention, and hugs to get him to sleep at night, that's ok with me.


I wish that my way (a more "natural way") didn't seem so alternative to the mainstream. Yes, I have to dig deep into my emotional reserves on some days (we all do regardless of our approach), but the reward is worth every surge, every struggle, every strain.  What parents get when they have firm boundaries, flexible and appropriate expectations, and an eye for humor and opportunity far outweighs the effort it takes to make it all happen: you get a really happy, well-adjusted, interesting kid who never knows pain at your hand or your words.


So many parents look to a community like ours and think we're weird, "hippies" (as if that's such a bad thing), or think of ourselves as perfect because we choose the more laborious routes in most cases.  We're none of those things (though, certainly, they are among our ranks - bad apples and all that).  We're mostly parents who couldn't imagine doing it any other way after our babies were placed in our arms or on our breasts, or for some of us, the moment we got the pink plus sign on the pregnancy stick.  


How could we possibly cut our baby boys' penises?  How could we possibly sleep more than arm's reach from our infant?  How could we give them processed foods we ourselves couldn't pronounce?  How could we strike our child in anger?  How? 


I don't feel better than any other single mother out there -- not even the mother who makes directly opposite choices from mine -- I am just me and it feels natural.  And I support any father or mother who follows his or her gut, too.



Therefore, I am a natural parent.



And that also means, if you are doing what comes natural to you in whatever combination you choose, you are a natural parent, too.

---

Stop by Natural Parents Network today to see excerpts from everyone's posts,Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting! and please visit a few to read more! Visit
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants. Three of the participants below will instead be featured on Natural Parents Network throughout the month, so check back at NPN!
This list will be updated by afternoon November 9 with all the carnival links. We've arranged it this month according to the categories of our NPN resource pages on "What Is Natural Parenting?"

Attachment/Responsive Parenting

Attachment/responsive parenting is generally considered to include the following (descriptions/lists are not exhaustive; please follow each link to learn more):

1. PREPARE FOR PREGNANCY, BIRTH, AND PARENTING:
   • "Preparing for Pregnancy, Birth and Parenting" — Sheryl at Little Snowflakes knows better now how to prepare for her second baby, focusing on attachment rather than nursery curtains. Watch for her post, which will be featured on Natural Parents Network on Tuesday, November 23. (@sheryljesin)
   • "Begin at the Beginning" — Alison at BluebirdMama examines the first type of natural parenting she experienced: birthing at home. (@BluebirdMama)
2. FEED WITH LOVE AND RESPECT:
   • "Going With the {Tandem Milk} Flow" — Despite being told she would never be able to nurse her toddler through pregnancy, Jessika at Job Description: Mommy@JobDescMommy) successfully nursed through her entire pregnancy, and she continues tandem nursing her two little ones fifteen months later! (
   • "Breastfeeding with Love and Respect" — Resisting the pressure to give up, breastfeeding was the way Dionna at NursingFreedom.org persisted in nourishing her son. (@NursingFreedom)
   • "Why Should I Call It Extended?" — Amy at Toddler In Tow provides scientifically based research to support child-led weaning.
3. RESPOND WITH SENSITIVITY:
   • "Attachment Parenting Chose Us" — For a child who is born "sensitive," attachment parenting is more a way of life than a parenting "choice." Dionna at Code Name: Mama@CodeNameMama) shares her experiences. (
   • "Parenting in the Present" — Acacia at Be Present Mama parents naturally by being fully present.
   • "Parenting With Heart" — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment parents naturally because healthy attachments early in life help our little ones grow into healthy, functioning adults.
4. USE NURTURING TOUCH:
   • "Nurturing through touch" — Lauren at Hobo Mama finds that loving touch is a thread that runs through all her natural parenting practices. (@Hobo_Mama)
5. ENSURE SAFE SLEEP:
   • "Sometimes I Wish We Coslept" — Sheila at A Gift Universe has started to add cosleeping into her sleep routines and has found frequently unspoken benefits. Watch for her post, which will be featured on Natural Parents Network on Tuesday, November 30.@agiftuniverse) (
6. PROVIDE CONSISTENT AND LOVING CARE:
   • "Attachment Parenting . . . and Nanny Makes Three?" — When Jen at Grow with Graces first started interviewing nannies, she was looking for practicalities. After a few months with her first nanny, she's going to hire someone new, and this time, she'll make sure the nanny believes in AP principles. (@growwithgraces)
   • "Do You Have This?" — For Rachael at The Variegated Life, natural parenting is about love and giving, rather than the alienation and longing present in so many in our Western culture. (@RachaelNevins)
   • "What Natural Parenting Looks Like in Our Family" — Sybil at Musings of a Milk Maker shares what natural parenting is like as your little ones grow up.
7. PRACTICE GENTLE/POSITIVE DISCIPLINE:
   • "Unconditional Parenting" — The philosophy of Alfie Kohn resonates with Erin at Multiple Musings, who does not want to parent (or teach) using rewards and punishment. (@ErinLittle)
8. STRIVE FOR BALANCE IN PERSONAL AND FAMILY LIFE:
   • "Reducing Screen Time" — How does Mrs. H. at Fleeting Moments meaningfully connect with her kids every day? She turns off the TV.
   • Also see our October Carnival all about finding balance!

Ecological Responsibility and Love of Nature

• "Healing Through Elimination Communication Part 1" — Amy at Innate Parenting@InnateWholeness) explains how practicing elimination communication has helped her whole family gain awareness and healing in many areas of their lives. (
• "Growing Out of Little Potties" — Stacy at Mama-Om is proud to be the "weird lady" who practices elimination communication with her babies. (@mama_om)
• "Let's Talk Diapers" — Lindsey at Mama Cum Laude started using cloth diapers because she felt they were a safer choice for her child; she stuck with them because they are convenient.

Holistic Health Practices

• "Supporting Natural Immunity" — If you have decided against the traditional vaccination schedule, Starr at Earth Mama has some helpful tips for strengthening your children's immune systems naturally.

Natural Learning

• "Acceptance as a Key to Natural Parenting" — Because Mrs. Green at Little Green Blog@myzerowaste) values accepting and responding to her daughter's needs, she was able to unravel the mystery of her daughter's learning "challenges." (
• "Let Them Look" — Betsy at Honest 2 Betsy makes time to look at, to touch, and to drool on the pinecones.
• "Why I Love Unschooling" — Unschooling isn't just about learning for Darcel at The Mahogany Way — it is a way of life. (@MahoganyWayMama)
• "Is He Already Behind?"Ever worry that your baby or toddler is behind the curve? Danielle at born.in.japan will reassure you about the many ways your little one is learning — naturally — every day. Watch for her post, which will be featured on Natural Parents Network on Tuesday, November 16. (@borninjp)
• "How to Help Your Child through Natural Learning" — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now offers tips on how to understand and nurture your child's natural learning style. (@DebChitwood)

Healthy Living

• "What 'Healthy Eating' Means to Me" — Wonder how a family of five makes healthy eating a priority? Kristin at Intrepid Murmurings shares some common sense tips. (@sunfrog)
• "What is Natural Parenting? Embracing Real Food" — Melodie at Breastfeeding Moms Unite! has always wanted to give her children the most nutritious foods possible: first through breastfeeding, and later through healthy, whole foods. (@bfmom)

Parenting Philosophies

• "Natural Parenting — Lazy Parenting" — To Olivia at Write About Birth, natural parenting isn't about a fixed set of ideals, but about what is instinctual. (@writeaboutbirth)
• "I'm not the most crunchy, but I'm still au naturel" — Jessica at This is Worthwhile follows her gut and parents with respect, and that's what feels natural to her. (@tisworthwhile)
• "Because Natural comes Naturally" — Breastfeeding, babywearing, cosleeping — Bess at mommakesmilk does these things because they feel right. (@MumtoEve)
• "What Do You Mean 'Natural Parenting'?" — Luschka at Diary of a First Child fell into natural parenting by listening to her baby and her own instincts. (@lvano)
• "One Little Change at a Time" — Ashley at Domestic Chaos made one small change at a time until "natural parenting" wasn't a punchline, but a way of life. (@ashleympoland)
• "WHY Attachment Parenting?" — While they might take some work to put into practice, Momma Jorje at A Slightly Crunchy Momma finds that all of the tenets of attachment parenting fit her family.
• "Yours, Respectfully" — For Kellie at Our Mindful Life, natural parenting is about being respectful: to yourself, your children, and your surroundings.
• "The Natural Parenting Label" — Michelle at The Parent Vortex explains that natural parenting is a mindset, not a set of specific choices or a few fancy acronyms. (@TheParentVortex)
• "When Our Children Are Grown" — Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children parents naturally, because she is building a firm foundation for her children.
• "What is Natural Parenting to a Witch Mom?" — Lily at Witch Mom has planned out what she wants for her son, from health to socialization to interactions with the natural world. (@lilyshahar)
• "Attachment Parenting and Our Family" — Semi-crunchy Mama at Adventures in Mommyhood takes us through the way the Baby Bs have transformed their family of four. (@crunchymamato2)
• "I'm a Mama...Naturally" — Andrea!!! at Ella-Bean & Co. didn't intend to parent naturally, but it happened by instinct.

Political and Social Activism

• "A Private Matter" — Amy at Anktangle, who is a Registered Nurse, describes her encounters with circumcision in a medical environment and why they guided her decision to leave her own baby boy intact. (@anktangle)
• "Natural Parenting, Following Our Instincts, and Keeping Our Son Intact" — Kelly at KellyNaturally went against the tide and refused to circumcise her son. (@kellynaturally)
• "Relying on Kindness" — Sure, Navelgazing Bajan at Navelgazing wants her son to be kind — but kindness is not enough. (@BlkWmnDoBF)

The love of a child

I think it goes without saying, and without exception, that every deep dig, every hard decision, every tear of anger and frustration and confusion is made worth it when you hear,

"Mama, Me wuv you.  You'we such a good mommy.  Me pwoud of you."

When you've never said those words of praise to yourself; when you doubt your tactics, your direction, your very being on days when you're hanging by a thread; when finding a sense of place comes directly from within and nowhere else.

I have avoided saying "I'm proud of you," to Hawk because I feel that's co-opting his own achievement for my own satisfaction.  I might say, "You must be so proud of yourself!" or "That was such a great thing that you did! or simply, "I'm so happy to know you and get to spend time with you!"

So these words he clips out of his mouth with a bit of a lisp are his own -- picked up from the underlying cultural mores found in cartoons, movies and other adults -- and they make me soar because I want nothing more than to make him proud.  To be seen as good and wondrous. And lo and behold, to him, I really and truly am.

I am all at once overwhelmed with humility at the miracle that is him and also satisfied to know he exists, because of course he exists.  Every child is him.  Every mother is me.

Love and wonder flow through my veins and I see magic every single day.  Damn, I'm lucky.

The upside to the dreaded drop-off

Today was the best day, yet, in our little Mommy-goes-away experiment since Hollis has been melting down.  I read him a few books on a yoga mat, pointed out other kids saying goodbye to their mommies (happily, I might add), and asked him to walk me to my shoes and help me put them on.  He gave me a big hug and kiss and started to whimper as I walked away, but as soon as I was out of sight I could hear nothing but children happily squealing and their bare feet slapping the cork floors.
The receptionist had seen me hover by the front door before listening to his wails, but this time she chuckled and said, "Of course he's great on the last day!"  Good thing for us we go back for Round 2 soon.

And something I hadn't really expected out of all of this heart-ringing woefulness at drop-off: the sheer joy and exuberance of pick-up.  I mean, WOW.  Wowwowwowwowwow.

Usually, Mama is every day.  Boring.  Staid.  Always there.  No big deal.  It's Daddy who gets the sprint and leap into his arms.  It's Papa and Mimi who get dragged all over the house being told about all the goings on from that day.  It's ReeRee (that'd be Sheree) who gets the kisses and toddler arms wrapped around a thigh.  It's basically everyone who comes and goes who gets to be the cherry on the sundae.  Mama is just the boring ol' banana.

But not anymore!!  Oh. My. Gawd!!  I'm special!  I mean, really, really special!!  

It's happened every day I've picked him up and every day I get excited thinking about it.  The door to the yoga studio opens quietly and unnoticed.  The children are playing with balloons, doing crafts, reading books, generally running amok in some sort of organized chaos and then one of them notices the door is open and a mommy is there!  A dozen little faces search for their own mommy and then my precious little face sees me and he blazes a trail to me, his face split into a grin from ear to ear and he nearly knocks me off my feet as I wrap my arms around him.

Sheer freaking bliss, I tell you.  BLISS!!

Sigh... I am still high from the baby lovin'.  Seriously.  Amazing. 

I feel like I got this mommy gig in another big way these past few days.  Man... how lucky am I?? 

 Peace out, yoga camp!

Sweetest creature that ever lived

 My booboo kisser.

We woke up this morning to Hollis humming a radio jingle as he entered our room, then he oddly refused to climb up on the bed with us, got round-eyed, and vomited silently down his shirt.  I leaped up and ran around the bed to him while Anthony swept him up in his arms and took him to the bathroom sink.  I suggested he try letting him stand in front of the toilet in case the pressure from being held wasn't helping and went to look in his room to investigate the "bed boff" Hollis said was there.

It wasn't much and he hasn't really thrown up since then, but that pretty  much sealed the deal: today would be a movies and jammies kind of day.

Monsters Inc and The Little Mermaid and a successful breakfast and lunch later it was nap time and, I guess, time for Mommy's insides to turn on her this time.  Luckily, no "boffing" for me, but I seriously think some kind of worm is shitting on my guts right now.  Yeah, I know.  Gross, but I can't explain it any other way.  It hurts, I'm nauseated, and all I want to do is curl up in a ball and feel sorry for myself.

I tell Hollis that he can sleep in Mama's bed if he wants, but that doesn't go well, so we end up in his.  I'm so drained and am feeling so badly I am wondering if he can tell I'm just barely hanging in there.

As I'm tucking him in and straightening his covers he says,

"Mama, kiss booboo tummy all better.  Kiss back booboo all better, too."

I hugged him to me and answered, "Of course, baby, thank you so much," and helped him out of his bed so he could kiss my tummy booboo and my back booboo.  And that's when the tears filled my eyes.  I haven't mentioned my back pain today (that chronic, aching, activity-limiting pain that I carry around every single day due to bulging discs in my lower back), but I do admit to wincing once or twice and he must have seen it.  Or else, just remembered that Mama has a [forever] booboo of some sort.

He also insisted on hugs for my booboos.

I swear having him around is like a therapy dog.  If I could, I'd take him to hospitals so he could light up people's days like he does mine, but alas, he's not a dog and so I won't.  But it's just miraculous.  Magical.  Amazing. Stupendous.  Marvelous!

My booboos feel better already.

I live with a comedian

Hollis was sitting on my lap watching cute Pug videos when he stops and says, "Wipe! Nose!" and sure enough, his fist was covered in something wet (and icky). So I said, "Ok, sweetie, go into the bathroom and get some tissue so we can blow your nose."

He says, "Ok!" and runs off with a big smile, comes back with about two squares of toilet paper proudly, and hands them to me. I thought, Wow, that was so very good of him! since recently I've been asking him to do more complex things with varying degrees of success.



A few minutes later I go to the back of the house to get something and see this:


I love this little kid.

Milestones and my memory

La Promenade (La Promenade, la femme à l'ombrelle - Woman with a parasol) 1875
Claude Monete

My sister, Gabby, is always asking me questions about when Hollis was first born and all the major milestones new parents are so keenly looking forward to (more regular sleep patterns, sitting up, crawling, walking, etc.), but I can barely remember the basics without looking them up in his baby book.

I knew from talking to other parents that this memory loss is jokingly attributed to why so many of us go through the extreme challenges of parenting a newborn and infant again (and again and again), but it's for real! I remember being exhausted, but not viscerally; I know that I was a walking zombie, but feel more pride about it than fear.

And even through the less traumatic points of parenthood I still can't remember when they happened or any finer details such as height and weights at what age and motor skills, etc. (which is partly why I write about it here in such detail every so often: for a record).

But I think one of the things I'll always remember is that just shy of 2 1/2 years old Hollis became deliberately affectionate. At least I hope I will!

He seeks me out to "pat pat" me, something reserved for animals and people he likes. He woke me up the other morning (the first time in years that we shared a bed) showering me with kisses and hugging and patting me.

Generally, he's an expressive kid, but not overly so. I hear about kids who are so over the top all the time that when I think about Hollis I liken him to a fine wine: fruity, smooth, subtle that leaves you with a lasting impression. Not your average kid, to be sure. So now that he's seeking me out to share his loving feelings with me it's like a little fireworks show every time and I can't wait to see how this little person develops into a bigger little boy.

And for the record he's 2 years and 5 months old, weighs 35 lbs, and is 36 inches tall. He clearly remembers things we did yesterday or a few days ago. He can commentate on just about every action/thing that happens in a day, and does. He remembers specific people and the special things they once did, no matter how long ago (my friend Tony and his daughter Zoe and the "big, pink, ball, throw! Ton-ee! Zo-ee!", my friend Paul and "robot! robot! robot! Pawl! Pawl!", his aunt Amy and her driving, "fast! Am-ee!! fast! turn!").

He's even caught on to what we consider to be politeness by saying "bless you" when someone sneezes and saying "please" and "thank you" when appropriate - things I didn't deliberately set out to teach him because I wanted them to come organically and with appreciation of their use, not from rote.

He's also been at the stage, for several months now, that when he's tired, he asks to take a nap or go to bed for the night. I understand that this is practically an unheard of trait in such a young child. My mother has lathered me up over it more than once, "That isn't normal, Jessie!" she'll say, her body tense and worried. "Maybe something's wrong with him. Maybe he's sick!"

I've had to tell her, "Mom, maybe the kids you knew never asked to sleep, but mine does. He's just wired differently" I know it still bothers her, but I stand by the fact that Hollis is perfectly healthy and normal, he's just a more deliberate little human being than I ever was and can recognize his needs and knows their solutions. (Plus, I took him to his pediatrician, just to be sure. Thank God for copays!)

So, while sitting here I can't remember a damn thing about the 4th month of Hollis' life, but I can remember that he was fatter than fat and ridiculously adorable. When he was somewhere around sitting-up age I bought a one of those little booster seats that help little ones sit upright, but he was too fat for it and his thighs got stuck so when I lifted him up, the seat stuck to his rear end and he cried and that was the end of that. I remember at some point, obviously, he started giggling, but I couldn't tell you at what age.

I love how his childhood has become an impressionist's canvas. Up close the brush strokes are indistinguishable, but from afar a story is told. Sometimes I wish my memory was razor sharp, but I like its inevitable softening, too.

What are some of the things you'll never forget about your child's developmental milestones? Anything you wish you could forget? haha

It should also be noted...

... that to say that Hollis is tired from his week away is a pitiful understatement. A week's worth of not enough sleep, illness, injury, and strange surroundings have delivered him to his waiting Mama's doorstep.

He was up at 7 this morning after a restful 12 hours of sleep, then back asleep from 9-11 am (per his own little hoarse-y request for "Crib!").

Then awake and playful and alert on our way to the airport at 1, but bleary-eyed and heavy-lidded on our way home from errands at 3 pm and fully back asleep - again - by 3:30 in the afternoon.

Mimi popped in and woke him up at 6, played with him, fed, bathed and read to him and he was back in his crib by 7:30 and asleep by 7:31.

[Ed. to add: He only takes one nap a day and has for the last year +. Two very long naps in a single day is unheard of!]

This child is a superb example of how to behave: lovingly, with verve and delight.

Sucking it - the fuck - up: Moms are warriors

Attie Poo McJigglechops workin' a tie like no other. (We make cute babies, no?)

Yesterday my little sister went back to work after giving birth at the end of November.Her son, Atticus, is a lively, chubby, easy-going three-month old who will now be in the care of his father for the next six weeks, then a combination of mother, father, and grandmother from there on out.

The three months was a very gracious offering. Ordinarily, my sister would have gotten approximately 6 weeks paid, but her company gave her an extra two, and she used a month's worth of vacation time to patchwork 12 weeks of time to have her first child.

I don't think I have to tell any of you how cruel this is. More so for my sister than for Atticus.

She's being a soldier about it, though, and in all honesty I really admire and appreciate her attitude about it all. She can't change it, she has to make it work, and ultimately she knows (as do I) that Attie and his new parents will be just fine, if not a bit shaken up for some time as they all get used to the new de rigeur. But she's been blessed with a baby that happily takes her breast milk from anyone, who is colic-free, and who will good humoredly try out new things such as a bouncer or a warm stranger's shoulder while mommy or daddy takes a shower. I'm hopeful that the transition will be an easy one.

When Atticus was just a week old I was talking to my sweet sissy poo on the phone and I asked her when she had to go back to work. "February 22nd," she choked out and I could hear her breath catching as she quietly sobbed with her baby at her breast. "You'll be ok, Gabby. I promise," I gently replied not really able to understand what she was about to go through and hoping I was right.

I imagine leaving your infant with anyone when you've spent every moment thinking and/or touching him up until then nothing short of unnatural. And I don't mean that in a judgmental sense, not at all. On the contrary, I'm just looking at it from an objective, historical point of view. No 12-week mother-baby pair would be separated if it weren't for modern day imperatives and responsibilities (or the luxury of at least a wet-nurse prior to pumps and formula).

Gabby loves her career and happens to be the major bread-winner and so such is her journey. I told her it was ok to cry in her office, to ask Maury to bring the baby to her to nurse or cuddle, to even leave early to be with her baby. Of course, even I understand that there is a cut-off for this kind of behavior, but I say go for it for as long as necessary with no compunction. Fuck it. It's your baby and really nothing is ever as important after they appear in this world. It's too bad that no company would allow that kind of flexibility forever, but so far they're being very understanding of their first-ever pregnant employee (amazing, isn't it?? And they've been around for over a decade!), and have also even given her the option of working 4 days a week.

I haven't talked to her yet, so I don't know how her first day back went, but I remember clearly the first time I was separated from Hollis. I cried off and on for roughly 24 hours, and then I was fine, but it was still heartbreaking. I couldn't figure out WHY I was crying; I just did. But he was also 27 months old. I don't know what I would have done at 12 weeks. Probably what thousands of other mothers do: suck it the fuck up.

And that's why I'm not going to wallow in my current state of loneliness. Hollis and Anthony are currently en route to Boston to visit Anthony's twin sister for 7 days. I've stayed behind to reclaim a semblance of sanity and just relax for the first time in over 2 years. I miss Hollis keenly, but won't allow any tears because, really, what's the point?? He's with his dad, he's going to have an amazing time, and I have been BEGGING for this alone time forever so why ruin it with yearning for something that isn't here?

So I plan on drinking wine, watching chick flicks, reading stupid magazines, working out, sleeping in, never getting dressed, and eating ice cream for dinner for a week. I'm going to think about my sweet baby sister who's going through one of the worst things all working moms have to go through and send her good vibes. I'm going to write every day until my eyes blur and I start repeating myself. I'm going to research what I can do to start changing the current mat-leave policies here in America to more closely resemble those of Canada and Europe because 12 weeks is far too short. I'm going to sit and spin on how lucky I am to stay home with my son, regardless of the unique struggles it brings because it's an amazing gift to be able to participate in every part of his day. And, of course, I'm going to contemplate my doughy navel some more. I'm sure I can come up with some more interesting posts than what I've been generating and it's my goal to fill up my queue with witty, droll musings.

What have your experiences with maternity leave and separation been like? Is it always this hard for moms to be away from their kids not matter what? Or am I just being a weenie?

Spending some quality time with Mama at breakfast yesterday.

Getting ready for his big trip.

You'll have to trust me when I tell you it's snowing.

See? Snow!

Heading to the airport and [truly] snowy Boston.