The three months was a very gracious offering. Ordinarily, my sister would have gotten approximately 6 weeks paid, but her company gave her an extra two, and she used a month's worth of vacation time to patchwork 12 weeks of time to have her first child.
I don't think I have to tell any of you how cruel this is. More so for my sister than for Atticus.
She's being a soldier about it, though, and in all honesty I really admire and appreciate her attitude about it all. She can't change it, she has to make it work, and ultimately she knows (as do I) that Attie and his new parents will be just fine, if not a bit shaken up for some time as they all get used to the new de rigeur. But she's been blessed with a baby that happily takes her breast milk from anyone, who is colic-free, and who will good humoredly try out new things such as a bouncer or a warm stranger's shoulder while mommy or daddy takes a shower. I'm hopeful that the transition will be an easy one.
When Atticus was just a week old I was talking to my sweet sissy poo on the phone and I asked her when she had to go back to work. "February 22nd," she choked out and I could hear her breath catching as she quietly sobbed with her baby at her breast. "You'll be ok, Gabby. I promise," I gently replied not really able to understand what she was about to go through and hoping I was right.
I imagine leaving your infant with anyone when you've spent every moment thinking and/or touching him up until then nothing short of unnatural. And I don't mean that in a judgmental sense, not at all. On the contrary, I'm just looking at it from an objective, historical point of view. No 12-week mother-baby pair would be separated if it weren't for modern day imperatives and responsibilities (or the luxury of at least a wet-nurse prior to pumps and formula).
Gabby loves her career and happens to be the major bread-winner and so such is her journey. I told her it was ok to cry in her office, to ask Maury to bring the baby to her to nurse or cuddle, to even leave early to be with her baby. Of course, even I understand that there is a cut-off for this kind of behavior, but I say go for it for as long as necessary with no compunction. Fuck it. It's your baby and really nothing is ever as important after they appear in this world. It's too bad that no company would allow that kind of flexibility forever, but so far they're being very understanding of their first-ever pregnant employee (amazing, isn't it?? And they've been around for over a decade!), and have also even given her the option of working 4 days a week.
I haven't talked to her yet, so I don't know how her first day back went, but I remember clearly the first time I was separated from Hollis. I cried off and on for roughly 24 hours, and then I was fine, but it was still heartbreaking. I couldn't figure out WHY I was crying; I just did. But he was also 27 months old. I don't know what I would have done at 12 weeks. Probably what thousands of other mothers do: suck it the fuck up.
And that's why I'm not going to wallow in my current state of loneliness. Hollis and Anthony are currently en route to Boston to visit Anthony's twin sister for 7 days. I've stayed behind to reclaim a semblance of sanity and just relax for the first time in over 2 years. I miss Hollis keenly, but won't allow any tears because, really, what's the point?? He's with his dad, he's going to have an amazing time, and I have been BEGGING for this alone time forever so why ruin it with yearning for something that isn't here?
So I plan on drinking wine, watching chick flicks, reading stupid magazines, working out, sleeping in, never getting dressed, and eating ice cream for dinner for a week. I'm going to think about my sweet baby sister who's going through one of the worst things all working moms have to go through and send her good vibes. I'm going to write every day until my eyes blur and I start repeating myself. I'm going to research what I can do to start changing the current mat-leave policies here in America to more closely resemble those of Canada and Europe because 12 weeks is far too short. I'm going to sit and spin on how lucky I am to stay home with my son, regardless of the unique struggles it brings because it's an amazing gift to be able to participate in every part of his day. And, of course, I'm going to contemplate my doughy navel some more. I'm sure I can come up with some more interesting posts than what I've been generating and it's my goal to fill up my queue with witty, droll musings.
What have your experiences with maternity leave and separation been like? Is it always this hard for moms to be away from their kids not matter what? Or am I just being a weenie?
I was planning on going back to work, and then I just . . . couldn't. I couldn't. I was the major breadwinner in our family, but we found a way to make it work. I am truly grateful to Tom for for understanding how important it's been to me to be Kieran's primary caregiver.
ReplyDeleteBut I do remember those weeks leading up to the end of my maternity leave. I was crying every day. I couldn't bring myself to look for daycare. I couldn't fathom the thought of someone else caring for our tiny baby. And so, here I am. I wouldn't change a thing, but I also completely understand mothers who cannot make the same decision.
Would our son and I have survived if I had gone back to work? Well, sure, I guess. But I'm glad that wasn't our reality.
I was separated from my daughter for the first time last summer when I went to Blogher. She was 20 months old. I'm not going to lie, it was hard. But those days were all about me, a much needed vacation from the rigors of daily life. You'll miss him something fierce, but it will be good for all of you.
ReplyDelete(I thought I left a comment on another post, but I don't see it, so...)
We'd like to feature you next Monday at BlogTrotting. Can you have a post ready?
It's incredible for me being a Canadian mommy to imagine having to go back to work at 12 weeks. I couldn't do it when my daughter was a year old or even two years old. At that point I was doing daycare at home so in a way I was working but leaving her with anyone besides me for 10 hours a day was out of the question for us. And I'm so grateful we've been able to make this work.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, thanks for this story. It's a good wake up call to what it's like for so many American mommies.
Like your sister, I went back to work after 12 weeks. It was SO SO hard, but I did it and continue to work full time. I always felt this was my path, but about a week before I was supposed to go back, I had a major breakdown and swore I couldn't do it. My husband and I discussed it and decided that our goals to travel and live the life we want our children to experience requires both of our salaries.
ReplyDeleteAt this point (baby is almost ten months) I wish I could work less but I don't think I would want to be a full time stay-at-home mom. I think some away time makes me really appreciate every minute with her...but I am sure I would still appreciate her regardless.
Give your sister extra hugs and call her office and tell them NOT to repeatedly ask how she is doing. My admin was great, she wouldn't allow anyone to ask me that question the first week I was back in order to avoid a bawlfest in the office.
Oh and in Norway between maternity and paternity leaves, they get more than ONE YEAR paid leave! The US needs to grab a clue!
I am Canadian. I returned to work when my first child was just over 12 months old. The initial transition was the worst part, because 12-month-olds have separation anxiety. When her daycare provider said to me, "She has to learn that you're not coming to get her," I totally lost it. I had been there for pretty much every moment of her life up until then, outside of a couple of dentist appointments I had.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I am tremendously grateful for the leave I had. I recognize that it simplified many things for me - breastfeeding, for example. I think that advocating for maternity leave is laudable and necessary. I really hope that the US implements some better policies. Families deserve no less.
Like Amber, I'm Canadian. Our maternity leave is much better than in the US. My work place gave me an extra 6 weeks on top of the 52-week leave that's standard in Canada. I also took some vacation time so I returned to work when my son was 16-months and I cried at my desk for most of the day. It was really terrible.
ReplyDeleteI wish that the US would have better maternity leave. I think it would be better for everyone.
As for you - well I am a little envious at having some time to yourself...but then I haven't been apart from my kids overnight more than a couple of times and they were never far away from me even then. I think I might be a little antsy too. Try to enjoy yourself this time. It will go fast.
I went back to work at.... 8 weeks. It royally sucked. US maternity leave is awful. But I am the primary bread winner and we can't afford right now for either of us to stay home. I cried the first day, all day. I was so depressed, it felt like I had cut off my leg and left it behind.
ReplyDeleteAfter the first week it got easier. It helps that we found a babysitter that I am completely in love with and trust. She's still the only person I'll leave him with, I'm too paranoid about anyone else. Even just last night I was telling my husband how much I hate leaving the boy during the day. But- I do see a few benefits to it. He gets to spend all day learning to play with our babysitter's kids, laughing and tickling and giggling.
One of the toughest parts is being committed to long-term breastfeeding because it is so tough to pump during the day. I'm always worrying about my supply vs. demand and how much is he eating. It stresses me out sometimes, but it's important to me that I keep doing it.
See, I want to cry just reading this post. 7 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I would simply die. Or just live through it, probably have fun, and then OMG the homecoming!!! Seriously you know my worry and stress about leaving my boys for 2/3 days for BlogHer. It's so hard for me to be apart from them for a long time, because, well, they are my life. Sigh. As for going back to work... here in Canada, we have 1 year mat leave. And thank GOD for that. I only took 6 months though, with Christos, b/c my job wasn't a for sure thing and I wanted to go back early to re-claim it. With Dimitry, I took for the full year. Not only do we have a full year, but we get paid almost even more than we make while we're at work, with the gov't topping off our payments. I can't imagine how moms go back after 6 weeks. I CANNOT IMAGINE. That is cruel, and unfair. But of course, so many moms do go back. Sigh. Good luck getting through these days. Know that your BEAUTIFUL (Oh, my God, the picture of him in the suitcase is adorable!) son is in great hands with his daddy. And that he misses you too, but he'll be home soon and then... the HUGS AND KISSES!!!! Yay. xo
ReplyDeleteI haven't gone through this yet, but I have spoken with my boss about maternity leave because the hubs and I were considering getting pregnant. Well, I work for a small company - in fact I'm the only employee besides my boss - and I've worked for her (her!) for 10 years now. She's offering me NOTHING in the way of paid maternity leave. Nada. Zilch. Now, she'll of course give me the time off - because she's obligated by law - but she's not offering any of it paid. How crappy is that? Yeah, she's not obligated to pay me anything, but I guess I expected more from her since I've worked for her (and were supposedly friends) for 10 years now. Which is where the government should come in. Motherhood is the most important job out there... and the US is so screwed up in the way they handle it. We need to find a way to change the US's maternity leave program!
ReplyDeleteI was lucky enough to negotiate a work-from-home arrangement for two months on top of my six-week maternity leave. I poignantly remember staring at 6-week-old Rowan suckling at my breast and feeling such an ache just thinking about how so many women don't even get that much leave.
ReplyDeleteThen I managed to stretch my w-f-h arrangement until he was nine months old. I hated every minute of taking him to daycare and going into work. I had no trouble pumping, but I felt ridiculous. There is a reason it's called BREASTfeeding! It probably didn't help that Rowan hated going to daycare. He cried every day I left him and so did I.
I finally got laid off not long after Rowan turned 2 and have been loving being at home(he's 3-1/2 now). Gave me a kick in the butt to start freelancing, too. I'm going to make the freelancing thing work come hell or high water because there is NO WAY I'm leaving my next baby to go into an office!
We really don't know we're born in Europe - and in the UK, we have one of the less generous allowances in Northern Europe ("only" a year with nine months of benefits). It's still a different story if you're the father, though. Things are very much set up for mothers and all attempts to introduce legislation to introduce 'shared' leave where the father can take a proportion agreed between the parents have stalled to date.
ReplyDelete