When I know I've done something right

My little boy's love handles are gone.

Being unemployed and muddling through a divorce is not fun.  No. fun. at. all.

I spend the better part of my day feeling like shit because it's somehow my fault I'm unemployed, because, naturally, if I were doing it right I'd have a job.  The other part of my day I'm feeling half way between joyous at being out of a painful relationship and crushed that my partnership with a wonderful human being is forever relegated to "father of my child" instead of "partner forever."  There's also a whole lot of swearing, laughing, searching, thinking and hustling going on, too, but that's the gist.

Sunday, as you all know, was Father's Day and Rooster decided he'd like me to join him and Hawk for the day.  It was my custodial day and I would have been happy to let them hang together sans moi, but I was happy to be a familial unit, too. 

Rooster and I have so many relationships with each other right now. We are co-parents, divorce adversaries (and allies), friends, and exes.  It's a lot to manage. 

Sometimes I have to ask him to not cross the streams when I hear him start a sentence with, "So..." I know it means DIVORCE and depending on which relationship I'm in with him at that moment I might have to say, "Please, can we just put that on hold and just hang today?"  He obliges, but I know he's waiting for the moment when the paradigm shifts and he can get whatever's on his mind out into the space between us.

Sunday was all friend and co-parent day.  Hawk has really melted into our new family structure and no longer clings to one or the other of us when we're all together.  We swam at Barton Springs and ate at a favorite greasy spoon.  When we dropped off Rooster Hawk was sad to see him go and even before we were out of the driveway he was saying he missed his Daddy.

I don't know how many times I've said something like, "I know you miss Daddy, Baby.  I bet it hurts in your heart, huh?"  He'll respond in the affirmative and I'll go on, "Daddy misses you, too.  And when you're with Daddy Mommy misses you and you miss me, too.  We all miss each other these days, but it's ok.  We all love each other and when you're apart from someone you love, sometimes it hurts.  It'll get better, I promise." 

He tells me misses me whenever he's with Rooster and that he loves me very much.  We hug, we hug tighter.  We talk endlessly about MISSING SOMEONE.  Oh God, how it breaks my heart that he's so familiar with this ache; his little, bitty heart.  Missing someone.  GOD.

And then Sunday nights and Monday mornings are heavy-hearted ones for the both of us.  By now Hawk knows that he's going to stay the night with Daddy the night after school on Monday.  He's excited, but then gets quiet.  "I live with Daddy, and you, and Papa-Mimi.  I live in lots of places.  But I really just want to live with you."

I know he doesn't mean it literally -- when he's with Rooster he says the same thing -- but it's his longing, his anticipated missing of me that makes him say such a thing.  He knows he's loved by these three households and loves them all fiercely in return, but his mind is trying to catalog all the players in his life.  It has to make sense in some way.

"When I'm gone living with Daddy you need to be strong," he goes on.  "Don't cry, don't be upset.  I love you and I will miss you, too, but I will see you soon."  I burst into tears and hold him close to me.  Where has this child come from?? This sweet, amazing, brilliant, tender child.

"I will, Baby, I promise, but it's ok if I'm sad, too.  But I'll be ok.  I just love you very much and wish we could be together all the time.  But I want you to be with your daddy, too.  He also loves you very much and misses you when you're with me. This is what we all have to do.  We all have to be tough."

I don't know if I'm rambling, if I'm showing and sharing too much, but I'm overwhelmed.  By his kindness, my feelings, my life.  Fuck, this is hard.

But I know I'm doing something right if Rooster and I can identify our strengths and spend an afternoon together celebrating his fatherhood and if my little boy can self-assuredly pass between me and his father and his grandparents.   I might not always feel like a success, but I think that maybe I might be a bigger happy ending than I give myself credit for.  The job will come in time, but success -- to some degree -- is already here.

Let's do this bitch

I've been feeling a lot better later.  Lighter.  More focused.  I'm still jobless, but at least I don't feel like I'm slogging through waist-high mud anymore.

People have suggested meds for this bullshit, but it's situational, not quite yet chemically based.  I know the difference.  Not that I'm against meds -- oh, definitely not -- but a job-a-day will definitely get these blues to go away.  That and signed paperwork and a big step f.o.r.w.a.r.d.  So, yeah.  No meds required... just yet.

Basically, I'd be a really bad lottery winner.  I need shit to do and I'm rather bad at finding things when I'm paralyzed with fear and sadness.  Funny how that works.  But I'm managing.  Applying to jobs as I find them; dreaming up an Etsy storefront (anyone want small paintings of random flowers by an amateur artist??); watching marathons of Murder, She Wrote; crying and laughing (way more laughing, by the way -- I'm too dead inside to cry); spending lots of time with Rooster and Hawk on off-weeks, savoring every second of my on-weeks.

 

Season 3, ep. 8: "Magnum on Ice." 

Speaking of Rooster, we went to Hawk's first-ever parent-teacher conference the other day.  Here are some highlights as told by Hawk himself (well, not really himself, but you get the gist):

• I eat at just about any opportunity (both snack times and lunch) and I eat each piece of my lunch separately (chips, then sandwich, then fruit, but never a little of each all at once)
• I have forgone the pre-nap hug-n-kiss instead preferring to just go to my mat with a book
• I get along with all the kids and have begun sticking up for myself when someone snags a toy (“Hey!  That’s mine!  I was playing that!) whereas I used to just stand there bewildered
• Fleur and I will often have to be separated at nap time because we like to just stare at each other while holding hands instead of sleeping
• I frequently compliment the female teachers on their outfits to great appreciation of my observations
• I always like to help a teacher out and answer, “Of course!” when asked
• I usually nap, but Hannah can’t figure out what the combination is that makes it so
• I love the “Jump Up!” song
• I am particularly good at the “Guess What Animal This Is” game and it’s also my favorite
• If Hannah can’t find me, I’m usually in the sand pile
• Once, when Keenan kept hitting me and I finally hit him back, I got upset and Hannah had to reassure me that I wasn’t in trouble (though, hitting is never encouraged)
• I don’t share my food (as a rule), but I will occasionally ask someone else to share and then I’ll give something back in exchange
• I really take eating seriously: no funny business.  Just sitting and eating.  No playing and running around
• Hannah can always count on me to be mellow and stable.  I’m sometimes the only kid in Dungeon room who goes quietly to his mat before nap time. 
• I also just use the baño.  I don’t play in it

I totally cried.  But happy tears this time.

We also went to the Houston Space Station (or whatever it's called). Oh. my. god.  I don't even care about space except that it's beautiful and fun to look at and imagine about, but I was still awed by some shit.  Especially that Saturn V rocket thing.  Wow.  I mean, as a kid I liked the planets mostly because they were pretty -- not because of the science -- but building something that massive that flies to outer space??  Pretty fucking cool.  Even for this artsy, loved-English-assignments kid.

Did you know they put Model Ts on the moon? Either that or this is just a bad Grapes of Wrath re-enactment.

Space shuttle landing, natch.

Really.  Who looks more excited to be here?  He might have said something about how he's been "waiting my whole life for this moment!"

Saturn V engines.

   

Yesterday my sister told me she thinks I should start "hustling."  I wish it meant getting dates, because that'd be awesome.  But alas, she meant jobs. However, I've decided that I'm somewhat reliving my 20s, but in a much smarter way.  I mean, just look at this picture of me and my BFF.  Don't I look super smart?  The cigarette really proves it.  Can I get a job from being colossally cool on a Saturday night?

So, my next big project is to update this site.  It needs a new look and definitely a new tag line (I came up with that one during a crying jag - so lame).  Man, I gotta update my BlogHer profile and my FB one, too, now that I think of it.

Also, this blog is going to see more of me.  As in ME.   Not Mommy Jessica or Feminist Jessica or Natural Parent Jessica.  I mean, they're all in there, but I've decided to let more of the ribald, crass, grown-up in me come out, too.  It'll be like a French braid of feminism, parenting, pscyhotherapeutic rhetoric, and cussing.   I hope you'll like it.  I wish I could somehow make this site into a sex column and answer everyone's sex and relationship questions, though.  Non-sequitur you say?  Nah, not really.  I'm surprisingly good at that kind of stuff and I think it goes with everything else seamlessly. 

Ok!  Coffee's kicking in.  Time to dress and tackle the day, my couch, my life, and the world!

Loopty-lou of life: Some seminal moments

 

Hawk 'n Rooster.  My dudes, redefined.

There have been some seminal moments in my life since I last posted.  All good, some sad.  I'll list them in order of precedence in my mind:

Numero Uno:
While at Rooster's house, Hawk grabbed a curtain rod (don't ask) and pulled the two pieces apart.  He handed me one, kept the other for himself and started making light saber noises with his.

"Mommy," he says between "vhooms", "you're Luke Skywalker and I'm Darf Vader."  And he raises his sword and strikes mine down.

My freakin' heart exploded.  I mean, intelligent, imaginative play; a worthy opponent; Star Wars!?!

♥

No. 2:
Rooster and I officially filed for divorce.

The day it happened I was in tears.  I felt like each cell had a tiny string attached to it and they were all being slowly pulled in different directions.  It was a feeling of implosion and explosion all at once.

I spent the evening at Rooster's eating chicken tetrazzini and sharing the documents with him.  It was at once horrifically sad and wonderfully exciting.  I love the way our relationship is transforming and molding to our situation.  As adept as we were at communicating through our marriage, we're equally agile in dissolving it.

I'm proud of the way we're handling things and I am eternally grateful for his support, intellect, kindness, and devotion.  We have our moments, for sure, but honestly I'll take our "moments" over other divorcing couples' any day.

No. 3:
Hawk has become very popular at school.  Numerous times teachers have come up to me to tell me that the other children like him very much, particularly the girls.  One little girl he's always with, Fleur, even told the teachers that she loves him "very much."  And whenever she's around when we pick him up she races over to hug him.  Sometimes multiple times.

Ok, that deserves another ♥

I can't tell you how happy this makes me.  For kids to be successful, they have to be liked in some manner.  Either it's a spirit they have or a talent, but it's something other kids are drawn to.  And by "successful" I mean navigate through life towards their own goals with as little barbarism as possible.  Likeability is a key factor in this.  I know some people are born with it, others have to learn it, but I'm glad it's coming naturally to him at this point in his life, because who knows?  it may not last his entire school career.

Hawk's two best friends at school: Keenan on the left, Fleur on the right.

 

 

   

 Spiderman. 

  

 

 Spiderman again.

 Today it's a cape.

 

 

  

Safety first, yo.

No. 4:
Hawk wrote his name (with some direction from me).

 

No. 5:
I took my body measurements and I'm 41-32-43.  This makes me very happy; I've never been so content with my body in my life.  The numbers aren't what I used to want, but I love them now.   It's true what I've heard about your 30s all along: they really do fucking rock.  I think the days of hating my body may very well be over.  Woooooo!

No. 6:
Hawk prefers Rooster over me, in a major way.  I'm toughing it out, but it hurts like a bitch.  I'm finding little moments to connect with him and keeping a stiff upper lip about the whole thing, so it's not too fucking awful (no, wait.  It actually really is), but it still sucks ass.

In Hawk's eyes, it must seem like I've abandoned him -- we spend so much less time together than before.  It's another hurdle we have to get over, I guess.

I often repeat, "It's a phase, it's a phase, it's a phase."

 What I woke up to one morning.  Yay!

  

A cupcake after dinner. There may or may not have been a meltdown incident after this.

 

A Wednesday morning (on an off-week) spent reconnecting over pancakes.

It's been an eventful week or two, for sure.  I can do this, though.  I'm feeling the momentum building...

To a father on Father's Day

Today has always been just another day to me.  My dad was never really much of a father and celebrating him felt like a painful joke.  But now, I truly have something to celebrate: Anthony's love for Hollis and their magical connection.

Anthony came from a place of emotional turmoil and pain.  His childhood wasn't safe, his heart wasn't protected, he was on his own.  A small, spindle-limbed child fending for himself both at home and school, he learned to trust no one, not even his own feelings.

Enter Hollis two and a half years ago and a piece of Anthony's puzzle was found.  The way to Love and Joy were open to him by way of the innocent, uncomplicated, unconditional love of a child, his child.

Watching the two of them together or listening to their conversations from the other room is nothing short of divine.

Happy Father's Day, Anthony.  You will help him become a tender, thoughtful man who navigates this planet with care  and you deserve a lifetime of love from Hollis and every hug, high-five, and slobbery-kiss he'll ever give you.

xxoo,
Jess