My boy asked for a dress. And guess what? I bought him one.

Twirling. 

Tell me the above image isn't glorious.  I dare you.

What does it bring to mind?'

Do you think I'm a goddamned hippie mother trying to prove a point?  Do you think his father is a sissy?  Do you think he shouldn't be allowed to wear "girls" clothes?  Do you think I'm putting him in harm's way by subjecting him to public scrutiny?

Or do you think it's beautiful?  Innocent and miraculous.  A young boy experiencing the sensation of a full blown twirl?

I bet you can guess in which category I fall.

However, what you might not guess is that I struggled with this.  Much like the Crocs debacle, this dress thing pressed my buttons -- and big time. 

I've been open on this blog about my own sexuality and how I fall somewhere left of center (call me bisexual, if that makes you feel better), but apparently that doesn't predispose me to making this kind of thing easy.  Not even a little bit.

I have a very left-leaning attitude towards sexuality, gender, and how it's all expressed.  I've continuously avoided saying things like, "Do you like any girls?" instead asking simply, "Do you like any boys and/or girls?"  I do assume his gender matches his genitals, but we'll tackle that issue if ever arises later.  I think it's fair enough to be sex-neutral when talking about attraction without further complicating things with gender.

In any case, my point is: I'M A REALLY FREAKING OPEN-MINDED, HETERO-SENSITIVE, HOMO/WHATEVER-FRIENDLY MOTHER.  And still, buying my son a dress was hard.  Really freaking hard.

We were in Target with the purpose of getting him a garment.  He was in the cart, cute as all hell in his little boy ensemble and his short hair and there I was holding up dresses.  First a dark gray one.

"How do you like this, baby?"

"I like the pink one."

"Are you sure?  This grey one's really nice."

"NO.  I want the pink one."  And this "pink" was like fire-engine fuchsia.  I squirmed.  And then I squirmed at my squirming.  I said, "Ok," and tossed it into the cart.

"Are you sure you don't just want a tutu?"  Somehow I felt that less fabric would be easier on me.

"NO.  I want the pink dress."

I sighed and rounded the rack of clothes.  That's when we spotted the same dress in lavender.  I was strangely mollified when he said he'd rather have the purple.  I swapped out the dresses, tossed in a matching purple tutu for good measure and wheeled to the register.

I was fascinated at my own reaction to this transaction.  I was self-conscious as I discussed my son's dress color preference around the other shoppers.  They kept looking at me, I was certain, like I was crazy/stupid/weird.  But I pressed on.  If only not to shame my son's desire to try wearing a piece of clothing he sees his best friends at school wearing (who happen to be girls).

Seriously.  What's the big effing deal??  But wait - I don't want to get ahead of myself here.

We checked out with no incident.  Not like the time I bought him sparkly red ballet flats.  (And again, trust me, I tried my  hardest to get him to pick the silver or black versions, but he wasn't to be dissuaded.  UGH.  WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM IN ME??)

That afternoon the checker was a 50-something woman with raisin-like skin and a hairdo that looked more tired than she was.  She saw the shoes and saw the boy.  Then looked at both twice again each for good measure.  She looked at me questioningly, "Yeah, he's a boy." I answered her unspoken question.  "And why can't a boy want sparkly shoes?  It's not his fault they only cover girl shoes in glitter," I bit out before she could say another word.

She stammered and, I thought, recovered well enough to say, "Well, I guess you're right."  I continued to glare at her for good measure.

Ok, so now we're back to Christmas Day, the day Hawk gets to open his skirted treasures.  And guess what?  He LOVED THEM.

At first he was shy and only wanted me and Rooster to see him in his dress.  Then, the twirling began and he was begging PapaMimi to watch him.  He wore that stupid dress over his footed pajamas for 8 yours.  We practically had to peel it off of his little body.

Rooster and I talked about our feelings.  Turns out he was surprised at his own confusion over it.  He said he wished he wasn't so torn up about it, but refused to elaborate more on the subject.  My mom, on the other hand, was more vocal about her worries.

"Are you gonna let him wear that to school??"

"Yes.  Why wouldn't I?  There's a little boy there who wore a Spiderman costume every day for almost the entire year.  Why can't Hawk wear a dress?" (Clearly I think there's some sort of ranking for strange clothing for children.)


"Well," she pursed her lips, and let the sentence die on the vine.  I bet I could fill in the rest, "... what will the kids say to him??"

So I went ahead and just answered, "I'll help him navigate that when it comes.  I'd never send him to a situation without first telling him what he might expect from others.  And if it's awful for him, we'd talk about it and go from there.  But, really, [his school] is not going to be a place of judgement or ridicule."

And so there you have it: I defended his right to wear a dress all the while battling my own sense of discomfort with the whole thing; my confusion.  What the fuck??  What's the big effing deal that my boy wants to wear a dress??  It means nothing.  And it yet means everything, something.  It's a visual representation of my love and support of him as well as a slap in the face of what we think should be.  It's beautiful and weird and awesome and honest. 

And I swear to God I will always support this kid's desires no matter how they challenge my antiquated notions.  I swear.

Taking Mimi to bed.

Gender stereotyping, sexuality, and toddlers: Bring on the lipgloss

 Has Hawk's exposure to other children bent him towards more "traditional" boy colors? 

There's something I've never really come out and said on this blog, though I've alluded to it in other places around the Internet: I'm bisexual.

As a young woman away from home this manifested in a proper girlfriend for a few months and later morphed into something less romantic and more sexually driven.  I've never had a relationship with a woman since.  I prefer relationships with men but am still attracted to women and enjoy their company when compelled.  If you can imagine that sexuality spectrum then I'm somewhere left of center closer to what would look like straight to you.

All my family and friends know, but I keep it close to my chest in most cases.  Every time I tell someone I'm "coming out."  It's a never-ending process and always causes me some nervousness.  The word "bi" seems trite and fickle, when it's neither.  I just don't have a better word for it.  Rooster knows how I'm oriented and never bat an eye about it; friends all knew long before I did and my family pretty much pretends I never told them (why wouldn't they?  if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, blah blah blah).

I'm sharing this now because Hawk is a boy -- genetically speaking, and I have raised him as such -- but I am extremely careful about the words I say when it comes to attraction and love.  I avoid asking him if he has any "girlfriends" at school, instead I ask him if he likes any boys or girls.  I encourage him to show loving affection to anyone who seems amenable to it, regardless of whether or not the recipient is a wee boy or girl.  And I make sure he sees me as openly affectionate to the world as I want to be.

I've trained my family and friends to do the same.  I'm the one who always adds, "... or boys!" to the  question of "Are there any cute girls at school??"  I'm pretty sure my family and in-laws think I'm nuts and overzealous about all of this, but too bad.

But my goal here is to normalize the spectrum of feelings he's beginning to develop; the bonds he's making with other children both boys and girls.  I remember quite vividly being attracted to boys when I was three because that's all I knew, but by the time I was six I had intense infatuations, lo, crushes, on other girls that I couldn't make any sense of.  If anyone had ever said to me, "Hi, Jessie!  So are there any boys or girls you have a crush on at school?" it would have revolutionized my childhood and I might have skipped over years of self-loathing and fear of my sexual proclivities.  Or maybe not, it's hard to tell, but it couldn't have hurt.

I don't want to take for granted what I imagine for my son.  I have no freaking clue where he's going to land on that sexual spectrum.  He could be as queer as a three-dollar bill or be straighter than a friggin' arrow, but I damn sure don't want to be the cause of fear and loathing in his own private Vegas.  Sexuality is confusing enough without any outside pressure to be someone or do something that doesn't come naturally.

At school he has two best friends.  A little girl named Fleur who plasters herself all over him on a daily basis, towering over him by an inch and toppling him with her vigor; and Keenan, a sprite of a boy with strawberry blond hair and bright blue eyes.  The two boys are particularly drawn to one another, seeming to share some unspoken thing between them, but Fleur isn't discouraged in the least and the three of them are usually found napping or eating lunch together like a pile of puppies.


Hawk's little heart is so open and pure to friendship no matter who it is right now.  When else are we ever this blank? this accepting?  I'd venture to say never again as we grow up and learn to judge others and it's now that I want to impress upon him the range of love.

Ok, so I've got my non-straight vernacular down and my kid is hanging with boys and girls with equal fervor.  What's next?

Well, quite honestly, it's onto tackling gender stereotypes.

I've written before about pink shoes and gender-neutral nurseries and how I've avoided shirts with footballs on them and things that hype up masculinity.  I buy more expensive Gap clothing for the sheer fact that I can get pink shirts there or Easter-colored plaid shorts (at least they used to have 'em).

And now that Hawk is more engaged with me as a little person he wants to do what I do, so that means every morning when I put on makeup, he "puts on makeup, too."  He paints his face with blush and smears his chin and lips with gloss and peers into the mirror exclaiming how pretty he is.  I encourage the exploration as enthusiastically as I would him mirroring his father's morning ablutions.  I mean, why not??  Allowing him to explore every facet of his life (which includes mine) will help him better define himself later on down the road when decision making is paramount.

 

All gussied up.

 Since starting school Hawk is exposed to so much more than just my bathoom.  The children at his school do all sorts of "traditional" play while continuing to mix it up and bend gender biases.  Boys shoot each other with sticks while wearing dresses and girls try to figure out the best way to scoop dirt with the dump trucks while braiding each other's hair.   It's all a hodge-podge, as well it should be.

All this to say, though, I am still unable to erase all gender-specificity from his life.  He is drawn to things with wheels and gadgets, rockets, lightsabers, guns, any kind of tractor or piece of heavy machinery.  The other day he shot an older couple at Wholefoods with a bunch of carrots, the spray of green fronds tucked under his armpit.  They chuckled and told me it was "a boy thing."  I had to agree since every little girl I know would have been rocking that bunch of carrots and combing the greens instead.

I also admit to not buying him clothing from the girls' section.  I avoid scalloped trim and puffy sleeves, skirts and dresses.  I'll buy him the pinkest pink shirt but it will be an androgynous cut.  I hope it's enough to let him identify with being a boy without too much pressure to stay in that particular box.  If he ever wants to wear a dress to school I'll back him up the best I can and pray the kids don't eat him alive.  I'll explain to him what might happen and why and see where he takes it from there.

His bedroom is still pretty much just a kid's room, except for the tractor pillow cases he made with my mom.  I mean, I'm sure there's a girl out there obsessed with tractors, too, I just haven't met her yet.

Ok, Spiderman might be a hint there's a boy in residence, too.

And yet, just the other day, we were at my friend's house with her twin daughters and Hawk dove right into a spare princess dress and happily proclaimed he was a princess, too.

 

He fluffed his tutu.

Kids explore and they search and they play with everything that crosses their paths and this includes concepts as well as preconceived notions.  Just because we see a certain trajectory for them doesn't mean it's what they're going to choose.  I believe that keeping our words non-straight friendly and our minds open to imaginative play without gender discrimination we can teach a child to accept him or herself later on down the road.  And it also doesn't hurt to start to re-program our own ways of thinking about gender and sexual orientation.  Take it from one non-straight person, it's better to be flexible now rather than later.

How do you guys approach this whole thing??


Oh, and here's Hawk's new pair of Crocs:

Surprised?

Locking horns with a 3 year old: Are there winners?

A wild Hawk captured.

 I remember growing up and hearing about "the terrible twos," this mysterious time of defiance and confusion for parents and their toddlers where nothing made sense and rules were thrown out.  As I closed the gap to adulthood the story shifted to, "It's not The Twos, it's The Threes you should dread!" Once a parent this new idea was pretty much confirmed by everything I read and heard.

The Threes are an interesting time for everyone.  Our children can speak to us in English (or whatever language it is they've learned), they understand rules, expectations, and relationships.  Their emotional development can at once leap ahead to tenderhearted concern then recede to vicious tyrannical tantrums (and I use those loaded terms "leap" and "recede" deliberately - you'll see why in a minute).  And despite their supposed understanding of things they continue to defy, push, taunt, and sneer in our faces as often as they caress, kiss, fondle and massage our hearts.

So.  What the fuck do we do??  How do we handle these tiny mercurial beings in a way that keeps our values in line with our own hearts, goals, and ideals?

Here's what I've learned:

First, you're gonna feel like shit.  Some days you'll actually get dragged into a knock down drag out with your tiny dictator and be left reeling.  Did you really drag him into his room and lob him onto his bed, then oh so maturely slam the door behind you?  Yep.  You really just did do that.

And you know what??  It can't be helped.  The most important thing I've learned throughout this process is that I am only human.  I can only be taunted, defied, kicked, hit, screamed at, and generally dismissed so much, especially when it concerns a rule regarding a non-negotiable, such as safety.  Picking up spilled food is another matter; I'll be pushed around to a much great degree before I start feeling that prick in the back of my mind that this bullshit ain't flyin'.  But safety in the kitchen?  Not following the rules when there's raw chicken and knives laying around??  Forget it.  Mama's puttin' the kibosh on that shit, and fast.

So, there we were.  Hawk screaming on the floor, refusing to leave the kitchen, me firmly explaining the rules and why he'd been banned - repeatedly - and then he starts jumping in the kitchen just a foot, then another foot, and at that point I had to physically remove him.  Tantrums ensued, kicking, punching, yelling.  Then I told him he needed to cool off in his room, but he wouldn't go of his own accord, hence the dragging by the wrists (as gently as I could, naturally).

I was angry, but I didn't feel my reactions were angry towards him.  I disconnected as best I could, though I still yelled back.  I'd just reached my limit.  I'm just a woman, not a saint.

Second, he's going to forgive you.  I never leave Hawk alone too long after a spell such as this.  I don't want a pattern to develop where he acts perfectly normally for a 3 yo and then I unduly punish him for it.  I just want a period of separation to get my own cool, mostly.

This particular time I went back in and straightened up his room.  He said he was cooling down and he felt much better.  I said, "Good, Mama's not quite there yet, but I will be."  He says while sucking on his paci and clutching his blankie, "Ok, Mommy.  I do love you."

And when we talk I remind him of the rules and that when he defies me like that it frustrates me because I'm trying to keep him safe; that it's ok for him to be mad and frustrated with me, but he may not strike me in any way.  He solemnly nods his head and we hug fiercely and tell each other we love one another.

Third, perfection is a myth.  Sometimes you react badly to a situation.  It's human nature.  No one is above reproach, but every situation is a launching pad to learn something new about yourself, your limits, those of your child, etc.  What you may judge yourself on is settling; settling for the status quo, for what worked for your mother even though it doesn't feel right to you, for not educating yourself about the development of this tyrant at your knees, for giving up hope that you can do what feels right the next time it happens - because, oh lord, it will happen again.

It's easy to think they're forging ahead in development whenever they're soft and pliant and kind, and taking steps back when they're bullheaded and unreasonable, but really it's all a push forward in development.   That's right.  It's a movement of growth, truly.

When a young child defies his caregiver it's as integral to his development as following the rules.  You can't draw a chair without the negative space after all.  They have to discover the depths of the emotional spectrum as well as the highs; no one is all or nothing and certainly not children.  They're incapable of such emotional blandness.  They're programmed to feel all of it and it's our job as parents to help them navigate it, fights and all. 

Lastly, when you're in the middle of it try to remember how much power you have.  It's a trick that always seems to help me keep my cool for a ridiculously long time, if not entirely.  You are these kids' everything: their sun, moon, and stars.  Tread as lightly as you can in the scare-/mean-factor to get your point across.  It's all too easy to loom and boom and knock them around to drive home your point, but finesse - even loud finesse - works, too.

So, yeah, I fought with a 3 year old and technically won, but really I felt like I'd lost.  Then, later, I felt like we'd all won.  Funny how that works, but that's parenting in a nutshell: two steps forward, one step back, and another half-step forward.

I'm not the most crunchy, but I'm still au naturale

Welcome to the November Carnival of Natural Parenting: What Is Natural Parenting?


This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month our Carnival coincides with the launch of Natural Parents Network,  a community of parents and parents-to-be who practice or are interested in attachment parenting and natural family living. Join us at Natural Parents Network to be informed, empowered, and inspired!

Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

***

I drive an SUV, I used disposable diapers, I bought baby food, and I occasionally use over-the-counter medicines; I serve frozen dinners and cheesy poofs for dinner; I vaccinated Hawk; I plan on sending him to public school.


These are all tenets that typically go against the "natural parent philosophy," but I'm here to tell you I'm still, most definitely and positively, a natural parent.


I choose to define myself by guidelines that fit my life and my lifestyle, my presiding beliefs, and because I do this I am confident and sure in my strides as a parent.  And, despite my implementation of some less-than-crunchy things, my life is mostly bent toward ecological mindedness, a healthy population, healthy bodies, and sharp minds.


I guess what I'm saying is, embrace the natural parts of your philosophy and identify with the greater natural parenting community for support, companionship, inspiration, and guidance.  And also because they rock.


For me, being gentle, respectful, and mindful are in the forefront of my mind throughout my daily parenting practice.  I'm always asking myself if I'm requesting developmentally appropriate things of Hawk, and how do his reactions to my requests fit in to my expectations of our relationship.  I don't hit, I don't shame; I don't ask his permission or treat him like an equal, either.  I am the boss, but it's a give and take relationship.  If it takes an extra hour of talking, attention, and hugs to get him to sleep at night, that's ok with me.


I wish that my way (a more "natural way") didn't seem so alternative to the mainstream. Yes, I have to dig deep into my emotional reserves on some days (we all do regardless of our approach), but the reward is worth every surge, every struggle, every strain.  What parents get when they have firm boundaries, flexible and appropriate expectations, and an eye for humor and opportunity far outweighs the effort it takes to make it all happen: you get a really happy, well-adjusted, interesting kid who never knows pain at your hand or your words.


So many parents look to a community like ours and think we're weird, "hippies" (as if that's such a bad thing), or think of ourselves as perfect because we choose the more laborious routes in most cases.  We're none of those things (though, certainly, they are among our ranks - bad apples and all that).  We're mostly parents who couldn't imagine doing it any other way after our babies were placed in our arms or on our breasts, or for some of us, the moment we got the pink plus sign on the pregnancy stick.  


How could we possibly cut our baby boys' penises?  How could we possibly sleep more than arm's reach from our infant?  How could we give them processed foods we ourselves couldn't pronounce?  How could we strike our child in anger?  How? 


I don't feel better than any other single mother out there -- not even the mother who makes directly opposite choices from mine -- I am just me and it feels natural.  And I support any father or mother who follows his or her gut, too.



Therefore, I am a natural parent.



And that also means, if you are doing what comes natural to you in whatever combination you choose, you are a natural parent, too.

---

Stop by Natural Parents Network today to see excerpts from everyone's posts,Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting! and please visit a few to read more! Visit
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants. Three of the participants below will instead be featured on Natural Parents Network throughout the month, so check back at NPN!
This list will be updated by afternoon November 9 with all the carnival links. We've arranged it this month according to the categories of our NPN resource pages on "What Is Natural Parenting?"

Attachment/Responsive Parenting

Attachment/responsive parenting is generally considered to include the following (descriptions/lists are not exhaustive; please follow each link to learn more):

1. PREPARE FOR PREGNANCY, BIRTH, AND PARENTING:
   • "Preparing for Pregnancy, Birth and Parenting" — Sheryl at Little Snowflakes knows better now how to prepare for her second baby, focusing on attachment rather than nursery curtains. Watch for her post, which will be featured on Natural Parents Network on Tuesday, November 23. (@sheryljesin)
   • "Begin at the Beginning" — Alison at BluebirdMama examines the first type of natural parenting she experienced: birthing at home. (@BluebirdMama)
2. FEED WITH LOVE AND RESPECT:
   • "Going With the {Tandem Milk} Flow" — Despite being told she would never be able to nurse her toddler through pregnancy, Jessika at Job Description: Mommy@JobDescMommy) successfully nursed through her entire pregnancy, and she continues tandem nursing her two little ones fifteen months later! (
   • "Breastfeeding with Love and Respect" — Resisting the pressure to give up, breastfeeding was the way Dionna at NursingFreedom.org persisted in nourishing her son. (@NursingFreedom)
   • "Why Should I Call It Extended?" — Amy at Toddler In Tow provides scientifically based research to support child-led weaning.
3. RESPOND WITH SENSITIVITY:
   • "Attachment Parenting Chose Us" — For a child who is born "sensitive," attachment parenting is more a way of life than a parenting "choice." Dionna at Code Name: Mama@CodeNameMama) shares her experiences. (
   • "Parenting in the Present" — Acacia at Be Present Mama parents naturally by being fully present.
   • "Parenting With Heart" — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment parents naturally because healthy attachments early in life help our little ones grow into healthy, functioning adults.
4. USE NURTURING TOUCH:
   • "Nurturing through touch" — Lauren at Hobo Mama finds that loving touch is a thread that runs through all her natural parenting practices. (@Hobo_Mama)
5. ENSURE SAFE SLEEP:
   • "Sometimes I Wish We Coslept" — Sheila at A Gift Universe has started to add cosleeping into her sleep routines and has found frequently unspoken benefits. Watch for her post, which will be featured on Natural Parents Network on Tuesday, November 30.@agiftuniverse) (
6. PROVIDE CONSISTENT AND LOVING CARE:
   • "Attachment Parenting . . . and Nanny Makes Three?" — When Jen at Grow with Graces first started interviewing nannies, she was looking for practicalities. After a few months with her first nanny, she's going to hire someone new, and this time, she'll make sure the nanny believes in AP principles. (@growwithgraces)
   • "Do You Have This?" — For Rachael at The Variegated Life, natural parenting is about love and giving, rather than the alienation and longing present in so many in our Western culture. (@RachaelNevins)
   • "What Natural Parenting Looks Like in Our Family" — Sybil at Musings of a Milk Maker shares what natural parenting is like as your little ones grow up.
7. PRACTICE GENTLE/POSITIVE DISCIPLINE:
   • "Unconditional Parenting" — The philosophy of Alfie Kohn resonates with Erin at Multiple Musings, who does not want to parent (or teach) using rewards and punishment. (@ErinLittle)
8. STRIVE FOR BALANCE IN PERSONAL AND FAMILY LIFE:
   • "Reducing Screen Time" — How does Mrs. H. at Fleeting Moments meaningfully connect with her kids every day? She turns off the TV.
   • Also see our October Carnival all about finding balance!

Ecological Responsibility and Love of Nature

• "Healing Through Elimination Communication Part 1" — Amy at Innate Parenting@InnateWholeness) explains how practicing elimination communication has helped her whole family gain awareness and healing in many areas of their lives. (
• "Growing Out of Little Potties" — Stacy at Mama-Om is proud to be the "weird lady" who practices elimination communication with her babies. (@mama_om)
• "Let's Talk Diapers" — Lindsey at Mama Cum Laude started using cloth diapers because she felt they were a safer choice for her child; she stuck with them because they are convenient.

Holistic Health Practices

• "Supporting Natural Immunity" — If you have decided against the traditional vaccination schedule, Starr at Earth Mama has some helpful tips for strengthening your children's immune systems naturally.

Natural Learning

• "Acceptance as a Key to Natural Parenting" — Because Mrs. Green at Little Green Blog@myzerowaste) values accepting and responding to her daughter's needs, she was able to unravel the mystery of her daughter's learning "challenges." (
• "Let Them Look" — Betsy at Honest 2 Betsy makes time to look at, to touch, and to drool on the pinecones.
• "Why I Love Unschooling" — Unschooling isn't just about learning for Darcel at The Mahogany Way — it is a way of life. (@MahoganyWayMama)
• "Is He Already Behind?"Ever worry that your baby or toddler is behind the curve? Danielle at born.in.japan will reassure you about the many ways your little one is learning — naturally — every day. Watch for her post, which will be featured on Natural Parents Network on Tuesday, November 16. (@borninjp)
• "How to Help Your Child through Natural Learning" — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now offers tips on how to understand and nurture your child's natural learning style. (@DebChitwood)

Healthy Living

• "What 'Healthy Eating' Means to Me" — Wonder how a family of five makes healthy eating a priority? Kristin at Intrepid Murmurings shares some common sense tips. (@sunfrog)
• "What is Natural Parenting? Embracing Real Food" — Melodie at Breastfeeding Moms Unite! has always wanted to give her children the most nutritious foods possible: first through breastfeeding, and later through healthy, whole foods. (@bfmom)

Parenting Philosophies

• "Natural Parenting — Lazy Parenting" — To Olivia at Write About Birth, natural parenting isn't about a fixed set of ideals, but about what is instinctual. (@writeaboutbirth)
• "I'm not the most crunchy, but I'm still au naturel" — Jessica at This is Worthwhile follows her gut and parents with respect, and that's what feels natural to her. (@tisworthwhile)
• "Because Natural comes Naturally" — Breastfeeding, babywearing, cosleeping — Bess at mommakesmilk does these things because they feel right. (@MumtoEve)
• "What Do You Mean 'Natural Parenting'?" — Luschka at Diary of a First Child fell into natural parenting by listening to her baby and her own instincts. (@lvano)
• "One Little Change at a Time" — Ashley at Domestic Chaos made one small change at a time until "natural parenting" wasn't a punchline, but a way of life. (@ashleympoland)
• "WHY Attachment Parenting?" — While they might take some work to put into practice, Momma Jorje at A Slightly Crunchy Momma finds that all of the tenets of attachment parenting fit her family.
• "Yours, Respectfully" — For Kellie at Our Mindful Life, natural parenting is about being respectful: to yourself, your children, and your surroundings.
• "The Natural Parenting Label" — Michelle at The Parent Vortex explains that natural parenting is a mindset, not a set of specific choices or a few fancy acronyms. (@TheParentVortex)
• "When Our Children Are Grown" — Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children parents naturally, because she is building a firm foundation for her children.
• "What is Natural Parenting to a Witch Mom?" — Lily at Witch Mom has planned out what she wants for her son, from health to socialization to interactions with the natural world. (@lilyshahar)
• "Attachment Parenting and Our Family" — Semi-crunchy Mama at Adventures in Mommyhood takes us through the way the Baby Bs have transformed their family of four. (@crunchymamato2)
• "I'm a Mama...Naturally" — Andrea!!! at Ella-Bean & Co. didn't intend to parent naturally, but it happened by instinct.

Political and Social Activism

• "A Private Matter" — Amy at Anktangle, who is a Registered Nurse, describes her encounters with circumcision in a medical environment and why they guided her decision to leave her own baby boy intact. (@anktangle)
• "Natural Parenting, Following Our Instincts, and Keeping Our Son Intact" — Kelly at KellyNaturally went against the tide and refused to circumcise her son. (@kellynaturally)
• "Relying on Kindness" — Sure, Navelgazing Bajan at Navelgazing wants her son to be kind — but kindness is not enough. (@BlkWmnDoBF)

Scary movies, childhood trauma, and Halloween

[Warning: Graphic horror descriptions included in this post.  No joke.]

When I was 10 years old I was in 5th grade and had the very great honor of being invited to a 6th grade slumber party.  Carol Addison was also granted this highest of 10-year-old-girl honors.

Jacqui Green lived at the end of my cul-de-sac in a two story house that was the mirror image of mine.  She had long black hair and green eyes and was a soft spoken, yet fierce tether-ball competitor.   She was mostly a loner on the playground, but had decided to have a big bash of a birthday party and invited a dozen classmates.

Long story short, it was the most traumatic, terrifying night of my childhood, without exception.  From what I can remember we had three movie choices: a Nightmare on Elm St (it was '85, so whatever version of that movie it was at the time), a Friday the 13th, and Sleepaway Camp (the original, first movie).  I can vividly remember thinking, "Oh, shit."

The girls decided to watch the least scary movie first: Sleepaway Camp.

I sat on that couch, wedged between bony butts eating cheese balls, mortified by what I was seeing.  Kids were mowed down by boats, a sexy girl had a knifed dragged down her back in a locker room, a man had boiling water poured on his face.  I did my best to be cool, to not look scared, but it was no use.  I tried watching the movie in the reflection of the fireplace panes, but after some children were hacked to death in their sleeping bags during a camping trip in the woods I got up to find the other group of girls who'd opted out of the scary movie.

They were playing on a Ouija board.

I sat down and joined in, but when someone asked, "Who here in this room will die first?" I returned to the movie and finished it.

It has one of the most horrifying, vile, terrifying endings of any movie I've ever seen.  A pubescent boy with hair on his genitals, long, flowing hair and stark, raving, psychosis in his eyes standing spread eagle with a severed head in his hands; his mouth agape and ape-like.

I have chills running all over my body even describing it now.

That is how the movie ends.  With the frame frozen on that sick image.

I don't remember cake.  I don't remember singing "Happy Birthday."  I only recall fighting tooth and nail to not be in a sleeping bag on the very end in the living room.  I got that far, but as I lay there trying to sleep all I could feel was my heart pounding in my ribcage.  I couldn't get those images out of my mind.  I knew it wasn't real, but my little body couldn't make the disconnect.  I thought I was going to die for my heart fluttered and skipped and my breathing was irregular. 

I got up and asked Jacqui to use her phone and called my parents.

"Daddy," I said, "I want to come home."

"OK, sweetie," he replied groggily, "I'll leave the door unlocked for you."

"NO.  You have to come and get me."

He drove our Chevy Celebrity the block and a half in his underwear.  "I let Whiskers in.  She can sleep with you," he said.

"No, Daddy.  I want to sleep with you and Mommy."

And it was like that for the next year.

Yes.  YEAR.

(As it turns out, if my memory serves me, Carol also called her parents for a ride home.  Was it because we were 10 and needed an extra year of development?  I'll never know.)

That movie affected so much.  It affected my relationship with music, with being a teenager, with my sense of safety in the world.  I had never even imagined things so graphic, so evil, in my entire life.  For years I could only fall asleep listening to classical music; I convinced myself that the entire episode happened in Maine (as far away as I could think of from California).  Years and years later I realized that my jumpiness, the easiness with which I was scared, and my general disconnect from music was due to mild PTSD.  From that stupid fucking movie.

Every Halloween I remember that night and the years of climbing out of that pit of terror.  I'm a grown up now, but it all rushes back to me when I see the ghoulish, bloody costumes hanging in Target aisles.  And I wonder if Hawk is being at all affected by these things.  I want to say, No, he's not, since there's no emotional connection for him, but he's not stupid.  These things are inherently scary.  They're supposed to evoke a primal emotion.  That's what they're designed to do.  Just like a scorpion looks scary to anyone from anywhere in the world, a bloody, hacked up zombie face will do the same.

And yet, I encourage my baby three-year old to be bold.  To walk up to what he fears and to touch and smell these awful things.  I have to walk up to these things boldly, too.  I have to hit the "TRY ME" buttons attached to robotic witches and ghosts that make scary noises and my skin tingle to show that I am able to look beyond the obvious and solve the riddle of their existence; lift up their gowns and show the metal rods and the ridiculous recorded loops of their howls.

Seeing Hawk dance and skip in sheer joy at these novelties helps to take some of the fear away.  I want him to know the difference between real and imaginary, but to also work out his fears and not ruminate on them like I did.  I know he's still little and there's plenty of time in his life for nightmares, but until then I want him to feel safe and like an adventurer.  Like he's the pilot in his life.

I imagine that whenever he feels that prick in the back of this neck from fear it's when he calls something "spooky."  It sucks that I won't be able to protect him from darker terror later in life, but I guess that's not really my job anyway.  My job is to give him the tools to navigate it.

And frankly, I don't think they should have this awful shit out in broad daylight, but a semi-naked woman's body wrapped in plastic and out of reach.  I'd much rather him see human sexuality -- even if objectified -- than decaying faces and body parts that might haunt him for years to come.

I dunno, what's up with that??  What do you think of the horror that's so accessibly displayed in stores?  Do you think it's ok?  Does it bother you?  Am I the only weenie out there?

The "Guys" as Hawk calls them.  Whenever we go to Target he insists we visit them.

Brave enough to pat it.

Pleasant, no?

The package says it all. 

These masks scare me.  (I told you I was a weenie.)

Separation is critical

Welcome to the October Carnival of Natural Parenting: Staying Centered, Finding Balance

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have shared how they stay centered and find balance. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

 

 

 Having great, alone grown-up time with my friend, Linda, on a pedi-cab in downtown Austin.

Carving out time for myself was something I didn't excel at until, quite frankly, I didn't worry about my marriage anymore.

For me, not only did I put all I had into raising my son, but I also put all I had into my relationship; leaving very little left over for me, despite knowing the pitfalls of such behavior.  I never thought of myself as a victim or a martyr, my interests just shifted from partying with my friends to parenting and wifing.  If mothering were a "career" you could say I was a workaholic.  But I was happy with that.  Truly.  It kept me safe from being let down by anyone (Hawk always needed me) and I had flexible hours.

Ok, so this was all fine and good for the first couple of years when mothering was most intense (breastfeeding, gentle night-time parenting, attachment parenting, early childhood nutrition, etc. -- oh my God there's so much to learn and do those first few months), but once Hawk started needing me less I was left with more emotional space for myself, but nothing to really focus on.

So, you're probably wondering how on earth this post has anything to do with the carnival topic, right?  Well, I'm here to tell you that if you don't fight for your own space, your own place to be YOU, things won't work right.  I'm not saying your marriage will end like mine did, but you won't feel good.  Plain and simple.  And isn't that reason enough to do something differently??

As one half of a whole partnership you must negotiate time off from things that aren't true expressions of yourself (cleaning the house, thinking about bills, birthday parties, obligations, relationships, etc.).  No one else is going to fight for this elbow room for you.  It's up to you.

It's been such a bittersweet realization for me to feel so open and free and so many times more myself now whenever Hawk is with Rooster.  I go to coffee shops, I meet friends for beers, I sit and watch the trashiest, stupidest TV known to man without remorse.  I didn't do any of this when Rooster and I were together because I felt like the time he was home was beyond precious and that I owed it to him and our marriage to be present both physically and emotionally.

I certainly don't point the finger at my lack of me-time as the culprit for the demise of our coupling, but I can say with assertion that it also didn't help. Not one bit.  (I think it's important to note that Rooster didn't take any me-time, either, when he was home.  I can't speak to how he felt alone on business trips, but it's likely he felt a little more autonomous than I did just via travel solitude.)

Running to get a pedicure during nap time does not quality me-time make.  You dig?

So, to all of you who are busting your humps to make marriage/baby/life hum along, I hope you are somehow able to tug on the reins and slow down and really and truly allow yourself the space to be you.  If I had it to do over again I would model what a friend of mine and her husband do.  Every weekend day they divide it in half: She takes the twins in the mornings and he leaves the house, and then he takes them in the afternoon and evening and she takes off.  The next day they flip flop.  Weeknights are family/couple time and they are thriving because they get all they need through thoughtful negotiation and lots of support.

Separation is critical for a sense of self and emotional health.  I never imagined that my separation was going to come from such a tear in my plans, but it doesn't really matter in the long run.  I'm rolling with the punches these days and I haven't been this happy in a long time.  Moral of the story?  Separation, no matter how it happens, is good for the soul.

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Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:
(This list will be updated October 12 with all the carnival links.)

• Balance — Sheila at A Gift Universe has put her baby first — and has no regrets. (@agiftuniverse)
• A Moment for Mama — Starr at Earth Mama has learned how to recharge on the run, so she doesn't miss a moment with her children.
• Take a 30-Minute or 5-Minute Me-Break — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now discusses the merits of taking small daily breaks to maintain balance. (@DebChitwood)
• Achieving Balance — In a guest post at the new Natural Parents Network, Heather explains how yoga has helped her find balance in her personal and family life.
  (@NatParNet)
• TITLE — Joni Rae at Tales of a Kitchen Witch Momma didn't realize she needed "me" time — until she got it and had no idea what to do with herself. (@kitchenwitch)
• Attachment Parenting and Balance — Michelle at The Parent Vortex believes that the last item on the "attachment parenting" list is both the most important and the most overlooked. (@TheParentVortex)
• Little Breaks Bring a Little Balance — Jen at Grow with Graces finds balance - some days! (@growwithgraces)
• Finding Balance — Are you a Type A mama? Dionna at Code Name: Mama is, and she needs your help to find balance. (@CodeNameMama)
• (high)Centered — Stefanie at Very, Very Fine has had a spa gift certificate sitting on her nightstand since last year, a symbol of her inability to take time for herself.
• Taking Time for Me — Marita at Stuff With Thing takes refuge in the world of books, with her daughters immersed in reading beside her. (@leechbabe)
• Writing as a parent: October Carnival of Natural Parenting — Lauren at Hobo Mama didn't let parenting put her passions on hold. (@Hobo_Mama)
• The Dance of Balance — Balance isn't static. It is dynamic, it is a dance, it is about keeping in touch with you. Read this wonderful bit of wisdom from Seonaid at the Practical Dilettante. (@seonaid_lee)
• Rest Hour — a Primer — Do you get 15 minutes to yourself each day? How about an hour?! Mrs. H. at Fleeting Moments shares her tips on how to incorporate a "rest hour" for adults and kids.
• Separation Is Critical — Only through enforced separation with the end of her marriage did Jessica at This is Worthwhile realize she should have taken time apart all along. (@tisworthwhile)
• Bread, Roses, and a Side of Guilt. — Betsy at Honest 2 Betsy isn't ashamed to admit that she enjoys a pint once in awhile, or that her daughter recreates it during pretend play.

• The World from Within My Arms — Rachael at The Variegated Life finds balance despite her work and her husband's commitment to art through attachment parenting. (@RachaelNevins)
• Balancing the Teeter-Totter — Rebecca is rediscovering balance by exploring her interests and passions in several different categories. She shares in this guest post at The Connected Mom. (@theconnectedmom)
• TITLE — Danielle at born.in.japan is slowly learning the little tricks that make her family life more balanced. (@borninjp)
• Uninterrupted Parenting — Amy at Innate Wholeness has learned that she does not need to interrupt parenting in order to find balance.
• Knitting for My Family — Knitting is more than just a hobby for Kellie at Our Mindful Life, it is her creative and mental outlet, it has blessed her with friendships she might not otherwise have had, and it provides her with much-needed balance.
• Taking the Time — Sybil at Musings of a Milk Maker has all the time she needs, now her girls are just a bit older.
• Please, Teach Me How — Amy at Anktangle needs your help: please share how you find time for yourself, because she is struggling. (@anktangle)
• A Pendulum Swings Both Ways — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment found herself snapping with too little time for herself, and then veered toward too much.
• Finding Balance Amidst Change — It took a season of big changes and added responsibility, but Melodie of Breastfeeding Moms Unite! now feels more balanced and organized as a mama than ever before. (@bfmom)
• At Home with Three Young Children: The Search for Balance, Staying Sane — With three young kids, Kristin at Intrepid Murmurings knows parents sometimes have to adjust their expectations of how much downtime they can reasonably have. (@sunfrog)
• Attachment Parenting? And finding some "Me Time" — As a mother who works full time, Momma Jorje wants "me" time that includes her daughter.
• A Balancing Act — Sheryl at Little Snowflakes has concrete ways to help keep centered with a little one and a new baby on the way, from exercise to early bedtimes to asking for help. (@sheryljesin)
• Aspiring Towards Libra — Are your soul-filling activities the first to be pushed aside when life gets hectic? Kelly of KellyNaturally.com aspires to make time for those "non-necessities" this year. (@kellynaturally)
• SARKisms for Sanity — Erica at ChildOrganics has found renewed inspiration to take baths and laugh often from a book she had on the shelf. (@childorganics)