Separation is critical

Welcome to the October Carnival of Natural Parenting: Staying Centered, Finding Balance

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have shared how they stay centered and find balance. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

 

 

 Having great, alone grown-up time with my friend, Linda, on a pedi-cab in downtown Austin.

Carving out time for myself was something I didn't excel at until, quite frankly, I didn't worry about my marriage anymore.

For me, not only did I put all I had into raising my son, but I also put all I had into my relationship; leaving very little left over for me, despite knowing the pitfalls of such behavior.  I never thought of myself as a victim or a martyr, my interests just shifted from partying with my friends to parenting and wifing.  If mothering were a "career" you could say I was a workaholic.  But I was happy with that.  Truly.  It kept me safe from being let down by anyone (Hawk always needed me) and I had flexible hours.

Ok, so this was all fine and good for the first couple of years when mothering was most intense (breastfeeding, gentle night-time parenting, attachment parenting, early childhood nutrition, etc. -- oh my God there's so much to learn and do those first few months), but once Hawk started needing me less I was left with more emotional space for myself, but nothing to really focus on.

So, you're probably wondering how on earth this post has anything to do with the carnival topic, right?  Well, I'm here to tell you that if you don't fight for your own space, your own place to be YOU, things won't work right.  I'm not saying your marriage will end like mine did, but you won't feel good.  Plain and simple.  And isn't that reason enough to do something differently??

As one half of a whole partnership you must negotiate time off from things that aren't true expressions of yourself (cleaning the house, thinking about bills, birthday parties, obligations, relationships, etc.).  No one else is going to fight for this elbow room for you.  It's up to you.

It's been such a bittersweet realization for me to feel so open and free and so many times more myself now whenever Hawk is with Rooster.  I go to coffee shops, I meet friends for beers, I sit and watch the trashiest, stupidest TV known to man without remorse.  I didn't do any of this when Rooster and I were together because I felt like the time he was home was beyond precious and that I owed it to him and our marriage to be present both physically and emotionally.

I certainly don't point the finger at my lack of me-time as the culprit for the demise of our coupling, but I can say with assertion that it also didn't help. Not one bit.  (I think it's important to note that Rooster didn't take any me-time, either, when he was home.  I can't speak to how he felt alone on business trips, but it's likely he felt a little more autonomous than I did just via travel solitude.)

Running to get a pedicure during nap time does not quality me-time make.  You dig?

So, to all of you who are busting your humps to make marriage/baby/life hum along, I hope you are somehow able to tug on the reins and slow down and really and truly allow yourself the space to be you.  If I had it to do over again I would model what a friend of mine and her husband do.  Every weekend day they divide it in half: She takes the twins in the mornings and he leaves the house, and then he takes them in the afternoon and evening and she takes off.  The next day they flip flop.  Weeknights are family/couple time and they are thriving because they get all they need through thoughtful negotiation and lots of support.

Separation is critical for a sense of self and emotional health.  I never imagined that my separation was going to come from such a tear in my plans, but it doesn't really matter in the long run.  I'm rolling with the punches these days and I haven't been this happy in a long time.  Moral of the story?  Separation, no matter how it happens, is good for the soul.

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Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:
(This list will be updated October 12 with all the carnival links.)

• Balance — Sheila at A Gift Universe has put her baby first — and has no regrets. (@agiftuniverse)
• A Moment for Mama — Starr at Earth Mama has learned how to recharge on the run, so she doesn't miss a moment with her children.
• Take a 30-Minute or 5-Minute Me-Break — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now discusses the merits of taking small daily breaks to maintain balance. (@DebChitwood)
• Achieving Balance — In a guest post at the new Natural Parents Network, Heather explains how yoga has helped her find balance in her personal and family life.
  (@NatParNet)
• TITLE — Joni Rae at Tales of a Kitchen Witch Momma didn't realize she needed "me" time — until she got it and had no idea what to do with herself. (@kitchenwitch)
• Attachment Parenting and Balance — Michelle at The Parent Vortex believes that the last item on the "attachment parenting" list is both the most important and the most overlooked. (@TheParentVortex)
• Little Breaks Bring a Little Balance — Jen at Grow with Graces finds balance - some days! (@growwithgraces)
• Finding Balance — Are you a Type A mama? Dionna at Code Name: Mama is, and she needs your help to find balance. (@CodeNameMama)
• (high)Centered — Stefanie at Very, Very Fine has had a spa gift certificate sitting on her nightstand since last year, a symbol of her inability to take time for herself.
• Taking Time for Me — Marita at Stuff With Thing takes refuge in the world of books, with her daughters immersed in reading beside her. (@leechbabe)
• Writing as a parent: October Carnival of Natural Parenting — Lauren at Hobo Mama didn't let parenting put her passions on hold. (@Hobo_Mama)
• The Dance of Balance — Balance isn't static. It is dynamic, it is a dance, it is about keeping in touch with you. Read this wonderful bit of wisdom from Seonaid at the Practical Dilettante. (@seonaid_lee)
• Rest Hour — a Primer — Do you get 15 minutes to yourself each day? How about an hour?! Mrs. H. at Fleeting Moments shares her tips on how to incorporate a "rest hour" for adults and kids.
• Separation Is Critical — Only through enforced separation with the end of her marriage did Jessica at This is Worthwhile realize she should have taken time apart all along. (@tisworthwhile)
• Bread, Roses, and a Side of Guilt. — Betsy at Honest 2 Betsy isn't ashamed to admit that she enjoys a pint once in awhile, or that her daughter recreates it during pretend play.

• The World from Within My Arms — Rachael at The Variegated Life finds balance despite her work and her husband's commitment to art through attachment parenting. (@RachaelNevins)
• Balancing the Teeter-Totter — Rebecca is rediscovering balance by exploring her interests and passions in several different categories. She shares in this guest post at The Connected Mom. (@theconnectedmom)
• TITLE — Danielle at born.in.japan is slowly learning the little tricks that make her family life more balanced. (@borninjp)
• Uninterrupted Parenting — Amy at Innate Wholeness has learned that she does not need to interrupt parenting in order to find balance.
• Knitting for My Family — Knitting is more than just a hobby for Kellie at Our Mindful Life, it is her creative and mental outlet, it has blessed her with friendships she might not otherwise have had, and it provides her with much-needed balance.
• Taking the Time — Sybil at Musings of a Milk Maker has all the time she needs, now her girls are just a bit older.
• Please, Teach Me How — Amy at Anktangle needs your help: please share how you find time for yourself, because she is struggling. (@anktangle)
• A Pendulum Swings Both Ways — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment found herself snapping with too little time for herself, and then veered toward too much.
• Finding Balance Amidst Change — It took a season of big changes and added responsibility, but Melodie of Breastfeeding Moms Unite! now feels more balanced and organized as a mama than ever before. (@bfmom)
• At Home with Three Young Children: The Search for Balance, Staying Sane — With three young kids, Kristin at Intrepid Murmurings knows parents sometimes have to adjust their expectations of how much downtime they can reasonably have. (@sunfrog)
• Attachment Parenting? And finding some "Me Time" — As a mother who works full time, Momma Jorje wants "me" time that includes her daughter.
• A Balancing Act — Sheryl at Little Snowflakes has concrete ways to help keep centered with a little one and a new baby on the way, from exercise to early bedtimes to asking for help. (@sheryljesin)
• Aspiring Towards Libra — Are your soul-filling activities the first to be pushed aside when life gets hectic? Kelly of KellyNaturally.com aspires to make time for those "non-necessities" this year. (@kellynaturally)
• SARKisms for Sanity — Erica at ChildOrganics has found renewed inspiration to take baths and laugh often from a book she had on the shelf. (@childorganics)