Obviously, I'm in a funk

I don't think it'd come as a surprise to anyone who cares to read this that I'm in a funk. I have been since mid-summer, probably before that, too, but I distinctly remember thinking, "Holy shit. I'm not cool," somewhere around August.

I've struggled with the concepts of my marriage and reconciling them with who I am and who I used to be, being a stay at home mother, boredom and balance, exhaustion, loneliness, how much I hate Texas, getting some time to myself, giving myself a break, feminist mothering, and that [never really mentioned] infertility issue.

I can't believe that even ONE person has continued to read what I've written. What a freakin' downer I've been.

Thanks for hanging around, really.

Every once in a while someone writes a blog post saying, "I don't like posting sad/depressing/upsetting things because you can find that anywhere and I want to put positive things out there," and I think, "Gee. That's never even occurred to me."

I don't know if I'm selfish or if my craving for interaction is such that I am forced to put myself out there in all degrees of mood. I don't really care. I just try to be as real as I can without betraying my marriage or Anthony or any of my close loved ones. Everything I ever put here I've already said out loud to someone else; it's my insurance that no one will be surprised (Mom, really, I'm doing fine - please don't talk to me about any of this.)

Today's been odd. I feel aimless and my head is killing me. Tomorrow morning I catch an early flight out to Phoenix for my grandma's memorial. Truth be told, I'm not really going for the memorial. Those are for the living and she's gone, so what would be the point? I'm going to help my uncle and family friend go through her things; all her precious things she'd collected over the years and ensure that someone who appreciates them gets them. It'd have broken her heart to know that her treasures were sold at a rummage sale. If my aunt wants everything in her apartment, then I will happily box everything up for her. I expect to leave with nothing, but am hopeful that I will be able to save some of her things.

Anthony asked me the other day if I was nervous about going. I'm not. I don't feel anything about it. This will be the first trip I've made in years without my sister and I will be alone with our extended family. I've got a job to do and I'm going to go do it. Period. I was thinking earlier that I can count on both hands how many times I've seen each of them. My dad was close with all of them, but it didn't extend to either me or my sister.

Sure, we got cards and random gifts from some of them over the years, but our lives were never involved. I imagine it was a product of their relationship with my father rather than anything my sister or I ever did - of course, we were just children - but as adults, we've left our relationships as they started: no where, really. And I'm ok with that. It's difficult talking to them anyway when they always bring up these rainbow-and-puppies memories of my dad, so different from my own. I've never felt it was my position to correct them and explain to them why we were such "bad daughters" to him, so the happy Rob stories continue.

At some point, I will have other things to talk about than my own ennui. I'm sick to death of it. I really am. So, here, to cleanse your palette of my bitching, here's a couple of pictures Anthony took the other night of us on our walk with Hollis. A neighbor's lawn ornaments entranced Hollis for minutes on end. I gotta say, the skiing polar bear is pretty amazing.


  1. Angst or no angst I'm a new fan of your blog and your writing.

    As an aside, I noticed the recogntion you gave Levi down your side bar and it put a tear in my eye. We lost our wonderful little dog, Ziggy, in October and though he's gone he remains part of our family. I love the way you've kept Levi a part of yours.

  2. Write what you feel; people don't have to read it. An those who do read it, do so because we love the way you write from your heart.

  3. I think the people who write posts how everything is all honky dory are simply not genuine. Life is not always pleasant. One of the reasons why I keep coming back to your blog is because your posts ARE genuine, no matter the mood. I've tried having upbeat entries on my blog myself, for fearing of downing everyone, but I realized I couldn't do that and remain honest.

  4. Why do you blog? As an outlet for yourself, right? Then don't worry about pleasing (or not pleasing, for that matter) anyone else. Like some of the others have said, I come back here because you are SO GENUINE. You're extremely introspective and honest about your feelings and there's something refreshing about that... even if it's not rainbows and puppy dogs all the time. That's okay.

  5. You have to be honest. Otherwise, your words won't ring true. I'm a downer myself 75% of the time, but...oh well.

    I love your blog. Don't change a thing. But I do hope the funk breaks soon...

  6. I totally agree, it's your blog, write what you want to, whatever your feeling. Those people who just write that everything is peachy keen aren't being real and who wants to read a fake blog?? Life sucks sometimes and if you can't vent about it on your own blog then what's the point. I love your blog!

    Cute pics!

  7. Isn't this your space? and shouldn't you be able to write what you feel? Like stated above, we come back because we like your writing and that you are geniune...

    And i agree that the memorials aren't for the dead, they are for the living and i am terrible with them so i hope all goes well for you and your family...

  8. I love you and I'll always be here to read your posts, Jessica. You're not a downer at all, you're real and you have feelings and you express them beautifully. I am sorry for the loss of your grandmother... huge HUGS, Jessica. Stay strong and keep your head up.

  9. I get bored of people who only tall about rainbows and puppies. Maybe their life is really like that but I doubt it. I prefer to interact with genuine people. And that means the good and the bad. That is what life is.
    Wishing you luck on your trip.

  10. I have only recently found your blog, but I really like to read it. I know how you feel - I have been feeling sort of similart on and off since we moved in the summer. I am trying to learn how to balance all the things I would like to do and having a home. I am learning and some days are better than others. Keep writing because it helps one through their thoughts.

  11. Ha ha, I was going to write what everyone else has already said, that you really should write what's genuine to you, but now that everyone else has already said it, the contrary part of me wants to tell you that you really should stop blogging if you can't be a little more Pollyanna.

    No, no, Pollyanna was a twit. I personally love your realness. Who cares what I think, I know, but I offer it just as my experience reading your writing. You're often writing what I'm thinking and am not feeling raw or open enough to share, so I thank you for being that voice, for getting it out there, for being vulnerable and true.

    For your own sake, I hope you can feel less blah, but you don't have to force the appearance with us.

  12. P.S. I think we, too, would end up sitting on the grass in front of a skiing light-up polar bear if there happened to be such a thing near us. I know I spent way too long at Costco today holding the child up to touch every light-up ornament and gewgaw.

  13. I am so sorry about your grandma, and about the fact that you'll have to sit there and hear them talk about what a lovely man your dad was. Keep strong babe. Sending you hugs over the ocean!

  14. Sometimes it's nice to read about other people's difficulties. It makes you realise that you're not the only one. So don't worry about what you write.

  15. Sigh.

    For what it's worth, I can't bear folks who are all about rainbows and puppies and lollipops all the time.

    Be who you be.

  16. WOW! You're me, except I'm me. Seriously! I moved to Austin when I was one month pregnant with my (now) 16 month old son. My husband and his few pals were all the people I knew. My marriage is firm and strong in that we are utterly committed to one another. But there are definitely some things to work on. I can't seem to find anything I like about Texas beyond my few family members (in-laws, mostly). Making friends is tough when you're about to become a mom, and even tougher once you ARE one. You suddenly have to befriend people who are in a similar situation and hold similar standards. Who do I want to befriend? Someone who has a kid that isn't a jerk and who isn't a jerk herself. Oh, and one who lives less than a 20 minute drive from my place. And one who's kid had a similar nap schedule. Someone who isn't afraid of paying outside with rocks and sticks and bugs and nature in general... you get my drift. And don't even get me started on the 68 days over 100 degrees junk. UGH! But somehow I manage to love my life and adore being a SAHM to this little fella. I really appreciate your blog. Much of it sounds like I'd be writing it if I bothered to actually take some time to. :)