7.08.2009

Grieving is like barfing: It hurts, but hopefully you'll feel better

Three years ago today I was crying.

My chest cavity had been pried apart by the ugly hands of abuse, history, death, and pain and my insides pulverized. I could barely breathe for the sheer magnitude of the storm of my feelings: grief, relief, anger, pain, and, yes, even happiness that he was finally gone.

So far today, I have been successful at holding back my tears and keeping intruding thoughts of his death at bay. But I have only to think of him and his tyranny on my and my sister's emotional landscapes while he was alive and of his excruciating, pitiful death at the end to feel the backs of my eyelids prick and my throat grow thick with unvented emotion and tears.

I am unsure how to approach this anniversary; where to log it in my brain. It is a great relief that he is no longer on this planet. First, I don't wish suffering of any kind on anyone and my father had layers of it from all points in his life: physical, mental, and emotional. Secondly, my life is better with him gone. I no longer worry he'll show up on my door step unannounced and unwelcome or that I'll get another filthy email or feel obligated to mother him or have to sit through yet another diatribe about - who else? - him. And lastly, I simply don't have to feel the pain of our relationship as a living, throbbing beast always hiding in my darkest corners. In the last three years of his absence I have shown the light on those corners and I have begun to let myself off the hook: No, I wasn't a bad daughter; No, it wasn't my fault he wasn't a good father; No, I didn't deserve to be ridiculed and mocked; No, I really am a good human being; No, I AM WORTHY.

I consider myself a generally nice person, so to feel this much relief over my own father's death is unsettling to me. And, honestly, I am happy he is no longer here. It means that his death has negated that I ever give any emotional real estate to our relationship again. It's fucking over. OVER.

So why don't I feel better about it??

::

When I got the call from his friend that he was, essentially, dying and would I be interested in talking to him it took me about an hour to decide that I would do this thing for him. Because it certainly wasn't for me.

Talking to him, a weak, sick and dying man, was not for my benefit. It was my parting gift to him so he could rest with a lighter heart. We spoke of nothing but his cancer and how it was viciously attacking his insides. So much, I thought, like he had attacked ours over the years. Wasn't this Karma at its height? That a bad, bad man like my father would die tortured in a hospital bed alone and penniless? Well, I can tell you that even witnessing a lesser man die a big death doesn't make it feel any less violent to your heart and soul. It can crush you nonetheless. For this reason, I would never watch a killer die. It's still a life lost. Someone's baby choosing the wrong path...

I couldn't just leave him on this earth with only phone calls between us so I went to him when he was in hospice. My family and I steeled ourselves for the worst. I was expecting him to be emaciated and frail. He looked quite the opposite. He was huge and looming, like my memories of him as a little girl. The only change in his appearance was his hair: it was shock white and fine as a baby's, cut close and sticking straight up.

He smiled, happy and afraid. He had given up on us, he said, and had been afraid all these years to reach out to us. Such was my father's outlook on life. - Never mind that I spent years of my life fighting for a better relationship with him.

We spent several days in Phoenix with him, visiting him twice a day. Outside of hospice we spent the rest of the time collectively drunk and sobbing, laughing at fart ring tones, and yelling to perfect strangers, "I'm SHY!!!!" I cried every hour, tears streaming down my face like a waterfall. It felt like my face was trying to flush my eyes down the drain of my neck.

Only once did my father address his behavior towards and treatment of me during our time there. He seemed somewhat apologetic. I wanted to believe he was sorry, but still felt in my gut he was mostly scared for his own soul than repairing mine. I felt brushed aside, much as I did during my childhood, as he gave a more fervent, heartfelt and fearful apology and embrace to my sister. She whose heart shown gloriously in its strength, beauty, and capacity to forgive in the face of his ugliness and depravity. I felt ashamed that I was jealous of the attentions he was giving her, even in this moment, but let it settle on my shoulders with resignation. I will always be a little girl dying for the attention of her father, no matter what's happening.

And what I did as a little girl to get my father's acceptance and attention was take care of him. Therefore, it was fitting that I be the one to sign cremation papers for him. I was his little mother AND his next of kin.

It felt wrong doing all this for a man who never liked me, who abused my sister, and who hurt everyone who ever cared for him. I was losing a piece of myself as I signed the paperwork to authorize the burning of his remains, yet I was doing it for him because he was my father and I loved him.

Yes, even after everything, of course I loved him. And that's another feeling that has no home in me. Where in the hell do I put that?? I loved a crippled, abominable man. It's not the kind of love you put next to the love of a friend or your baby. It's a love you're embarrassed about, because how could I possibly??

But it's true, and I still do. And I wish more than anything that he were still here as a different man. Someone who I could look up to and rely on and call in a pinch for a laugh or advice. Now July 8th is a day to remind me that all hope of having a Father in my father is really and truly gone. My relief at his passing, while great, is still no match for my heart's yearning for a Dad. A real, bona fide Dad. Someone who was trustworthy and kind and, above all else, a safe place.

Maybe I've romanticized what it's like to have a father, but you can't blame me. I don't know what it's like. I'm sure it's as complicated and frustrating as having a mother (and I definitely have a Mom), but as someone who never in her life felt as though she had one I think it'd be pretty fucking awesome and I'd welcome it.

After everything, I feel as though I was a wonderful daughter to him. Especially in the end. Even after leaving hospice and the hours of sitting in his room watching the rise and fall of his chest behind I continued to be there for my father. He would call me, delusional from the pain meds, afraid and confused. He talked to me about coming to my graduation that winter and of being a grandfather to my unborn kids. I told him he was welcome to it all, knowing in my heart that he wouldn't survive that long, and if, by some miracle he did, I still wasn't sure I could open my world up to his pervasive emotional sickness. I've never lied to a dying person before. I don't regret it, but the words still haunt me. I hope he knows why I did it.

Finally, my aunt, my father's sister-in-law, called me to tell me he had died. It is a moment frozen in time. I was standing in my kitchen, in the walkway area. I buried my face in my hands and Rooster held me. I wish like hell I felt one iota better about him today than I did then, but I don't, and I haven't. Maybe I never will.

86 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. That was amazing. So raw and honest. My favorite line was: "It means that his death has negated that I ever give any emotional real estate to our relationship again."

    I think you've already shown how strong you are by allowing yourself to be in a relationship built on the foundation of mutual respect. You never lived a fantasy life hoping your prince charming would come and rescue you, instead working hard to develop your own identity and loving yourself enough to admit you deserve to be with a man who is strong, supportive, and also pretty damn cute.

    Most importantly, you have broken the cycle by giving Hollis an amazing role model to look up to. My feminist butt thanks you for raising a sweet young man. How lucky our little girls will be! :)

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  3. Oh Jessica... this post is so touching and emotional and I'm sorry. All I can say is I'm glad you wrote this down. You have to know that despite all you have been through, your childhood pains, everything - you're a wonderful soul, a great mother, and you have married a loving man. Your son and future children will have the most loving upbringing. I'm sorry for all your pain. It makes sense that you would still love your father, despite what he did to you all. There is nothing wrong with admitting that and not knowing what to do with it. He was a baby once, too.. that's the saddest part, I think, like you said: 'It's still a life lost. Someone's baby choosing the wrong path...' Again... I'm sorry that this day is so hard and difficult for you. Go snuggle up to your perfect baby boy and please know I'm thinking of you!

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  4. I've been in your shoes--to offer your whole heart and have it thrown on the ground by someone who should think you hung the moon. I was 35 when God delivered me from that life of rejection--I know that sounds religous, but that's exactly what He did. God had been there for me from the time I was 7 and never gave up on me, let me know I was beautiful on the inside. I remember praying, "O.K. God, I realize that maybe I don't want the mailman showing up on my doorstep saying he was really my dad anymore, but I really need something down here so I don't feel this great empty hole inside me." He did, slowly, but He did. I still tear up at Butterfly Kisses. My husband is the world's best dad to my sons, and he's the world's best husband.

    What you're feeling is so normal! What a beautiful post, too!

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  5. Stopping by from SITS to say hello. What a honest and raw post. I think I cried for you a few times while reading. May you find peace in your situation.

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  6. Just visiting from SITS. I'm sorry you've been through so much trauma. Hopefully, you can try and move forward now.

    Lots of love.

    LBM xxxxxxx

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  7. It is hard for those daughters who have good relationships with their dads to understand the emotions that rise up in the passing of a father who did not. I understand.

    What a fantastic raw and honest post. And what a writer you are at expressing your feelings.

    Congrats on your feature day.

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  8. Sad you did not have a good relationship with your dad Like I had with mine. I was blessed with a wonderful father and wrote a book in his memory.

    Happy SITS day!

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  9. Visiting from SITS. You've been through a lot and I don't have words to say except that as you go through the coming days, months and years allow the Lord to bring his healing to your heart. Let total forgiveness flush your heart and make you free as you forgive your father.

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  10. I can only imagine how difficult your situation must be. I have an estranged mother, but she is entirely estranged so I have no more connection to her than I do to any stranger on the street. To actually be in connection with someone who hurt you that badly especially when they die...well I can imagine why it would be so difficult.

    I hope things have gotten easier since.

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  11. What a beautiful, heartfelt post. It IS hard to put our emotions in a box, all nice and tidy-like.

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  12. I'm sorry.

    I think you are a pretty wonderful person; I don't know if I could do what you have done at the end. You are amazing.

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  13. Wow. That was an amazingly well-written, heartwrenching post. I sure hope that perhaps it will get easier in time for you. In the meantime, I am in awe by what you've shared with us all.

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  14. wow! I can say sorry but it will make no difference to you.....firstly although sorry for what you passed I can't even start trying imagining it and secondly I always thought that in such situations these words are weightless. However, all I can say forgive coz once you do you are free and happy again!

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  15. Hi www.greedygirlsguide.com checking in from SITS
    Wow what an emotional post. I had to read because the title alone was so true i've lost a lot of people, i never thought of it like barfing but you are so right it is. Sorry you had such a hard time with your dad I think mixed emotions make the grieving even harder because every time you think about the bad you're also hit with the i shouldn't think this of the dead guilt. I an even more gut wrenching Catch 22.

    Thanks for sharing, definitely know you are not alone.

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  16. Wow. Brutally honest. I'm sure it was cathartic to put it all down in print. God bless you and may you eventually find peace in your heart.

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  17. Love your candid honesty. What a thoughtful post. Sending positive thoughts your way.

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  18. Wow that was heavy duty and I applaud your getting it out there. Somewhere someone is reading this and thinking they're not the only one. That's a good thing.

    Congrats on your SITS day.

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  19. It seems to me that you are dealing with this the best way you can. Who's to say you'll ever come to terms with it? Should you? I don't know.
    I guess the most you can hope for is that over time and as years pass, you'll have more memories invested in the family you've created, than the one you were born into to. The good will eventually outweigh the bad, so to speak.
    I also think that in some cases, having no father is better than a bad father. That way if you want to, you can fantasize about what it could've been like, without the wounds of what it really was.
    I wish you peace on your journey.

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  20. Wow, what a gift you have to be able to set your thoughts down in words so eloquently. I feel wrung out from the intensity of your post. I am amazed at how you can look at the dark corners of your mind and be able to write your way through them in order to understand yourself more fully. Thank you for such honesty, and congratulations on your SITS day.

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  21. Wow!

    I really appreciate your honest post. Sometimes I wish I could write how I really feel...I wonder if it would help me get over my anger and frustration regarding some of my (non)relationships I have with my grandparents.

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  22. Oh, I am so sorry for the loss of your father, but more so for the father he never was for you. It is hard enough to have a parent die (I lost my mother just last week), but even harder when there is so much "other" attached emotion to it. This was a fantastic post and I applaude you for sharing your grief with others. It helps. Stopping in from SITS and glad I did. ~Lanie

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  23. Stopping by from SITS what a personal story to share and the honesty was felt throughout the post. I hope overtime you can come to terms with your father's abuse and then death.

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  24. I am so sorry for your experience. You handled it and continued to grow and blossom. Hope one day you can release it all. Very well written.
    Sandra

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  25. What a honest post! I'm sorry I don't know what to say...

    Stopped by from SITS

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  26. Very powerful. I hope writing this post was cathartic. Death for some is a release. It would seem that was the case for your father. Peace.

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  27. Thanks for sharing this - I am sure it is good to get these thoughts off your chest, even if it takes courage to write things that you feel are wrong. But then again, they are only wrong because they don't match your expectations for yourself. I hope you can change the expectations and reassure yourself that you do not have to apologize for who you are!
    Happy SITS-day!

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  28. Thank you for such a transparent post. I can't imagine going though all that.

    Stopping by from SITS.

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  29. Your post shows your wisdom. You've laid it all out on the table, stood back and looked at it.

    It will grow dusty with time. When it does....there is no need to remove the dust.

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  30. I understand your pain only to well. I hope you heal soon, for your sake.

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  31. Wow, I am so sorry! I honestly think that what you feel is normal. Your post was so honest! Thank you for sharing such a personal part of your life.

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  32. Stopping by from SITS. This is a very powerful piece of writing. And I can realate. While my biological father wasn't abusive physically, I feel that he decided long before he had any children to never connect to them as a father. He chose his own needs and life over ours. I THANK GOD, my mother divorced him. Because living with that day in and day out would have damaged a child more than "losing" a father to divorce. As a matter of fact, perhaps the divorce was his chance to step up and be the father every child needs. Actions will always speak louder than words. I am one of the fortunate ones, though. My mother remarried a wonderful, loving, caring and amazing man who is without a doubt my father! I love him as if we shared the same DNA. And while I haven't spoken to my BF in almost 19 years {accept when he had a mild heart attack} I don't think he even cares. Indeference is worse than hatred or pitty. At least the latter two are feelings.

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  33. wow. what a story. it must have taken a lot to write that. i, too, grew up without a REAL father. it's a pain that never goes away. i just learned to 'deal with it' the best i can. {{{hugs}}}

    happy SITS day!

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  34. I am so glad that I was able to read your post. I think these are the emotions I will feel when my Mom dies. I accept that she will never see me as someone worthwhile in her life. Her pride and joy is my brother,even though I'm the one who takes care of her. I hope I have the same strength as you! Hope you have a great SITS day!

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  35. I can't even imagine. I'm so sorry. They say that writing is therapeutic. I hope that writing this helped you at least a little bit.

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  36. "Well, I can tell you that even witnessing a lesser man die a big death doesn't make it feel any less violent to your heart and soul. It can crush you nonetheless. For this reason, I would never watch a killer die. It's still a life lost. Someone's baby choosing the wrong path..."

    The whole post was poignant, but this really resonated with me.

    Thank you for sharing your honest heart. It's refreshing and good. Thank you.

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  37. Thank you for sharing your story. I am glad I got to read it.

    Happy SITS day!

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  38. Absolutely profound! Thanks for sharing your story.

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  39. This is such a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing it.

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  40. Stopping in from SITS and wasn't expecting such a raw and honest and heartfelt post so I feel a little taken aback....maybe because it dredges up feelings about my own relationship with my father and how ashamed I have felt to wish that all this anger and pain and rejection could just stop.

    This was an amazing post. Thank you.

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  41. Beautiful writing on such a difficult subject. Thank you for opening yourself to us.

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  42. I completely relate. I have a nightmare father and a step-monster...neither of whom I could see myself grieving for. you deserve kudos for being able to rise above your hurt to go see him in his final days. I don't think I would have the courage. thanks for sharing this touching story!

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  43. Your strength, vulnerability, insightfulness, and honesty are to be admired. Thank you for sharing this powerful personal story. My husband's father walked out on his wife and three kids after years of alcoholism and dysfunction. Enter the stepfather ~ cruel, abusive, and a con-artist to boot. Somehow, my husband, his sister and brother survived the abuse, the lack of a good male or female role model, and have emerged as pretty darn stable, loving, devoted, smart and successful people. I can tell from your writing that you too are a survivor, a success, and an amazing person.
    Warm regards, Jenn @ rookno17.blogspot.com

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  44. That was beautiful...I wish I had something more profound to say, but that's all I've got.

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  45. You certainly are a feeling person and that makes you a great writer. My dad passed away this summer-we were not close, but he was decent. I do not have this depth of emotion, and in it's own way, that makes me sad.
    Thanks for sharing. Happy SITS day.
    @cheapchichome

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  46. This post was beautifully written; thank you for being so brutally and painfully honest.

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  47. Beautiful post. There must be some kind of release with writing it down...

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  48. Wow, woman....just....wow.

    I understand the dad thing...mine had his own issues, and yet he was my dad. I loved him anyway, and continued to make excuses and take care of him.

    I'm in awe of your honesty, your incredible writing, and the beauty of what you are willing to share.

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  49. Such an interesting post. I find myself too crying wondering where I went wrong with my own father. Luckily (?) for me, my father had a stroke many years before he died and I forgave him. He too was a mean and vile man and the abuse I suffered at his hands is beyond discription. I pray you find the peace you are longing for. You deserve only the best!

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  50. Your post brought me to tears. You are a talented writer.

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  51. Thank you so much for sharing. So much of what you wrote resonated with me and my own father and his demise almost two years ago and the way I'm feeling now that it brought me to tears. I guess it's nice to know that even in this, no one is ever truly alone...

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  52. I loved that post title. Going through the loss of another close relative right now (in hospice currently), I'm still in the nauseous/barfing stage. But I've done it before, and I know the "feeling better" is coming.
    And realizing that it can be so much worse - something that you are experiencing does help me keep persepective.
    Enjoy your SITS Day...
    ***Ally

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  53. This was such an incredibly moving post. I'm so sorry for what you've experienced - both in your early life and during this time, but I admire the way with which you tell it. You are gifted with words.

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  54. Wow...all I can say is wow. This post is so deep and powerful. I feel bad for saying this is but I think this is how I'd kinda feel when my mom dies. Is that horrible for me to admit? She's never been the best mother and all I can think is that I'd be relieved from all the pressure she puts on me to be the perfect daughter.

    Thank you for your honesty and your courage to tell you story.

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  55. Wow. What raw, honest emotion. I hope your heart heals.

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  56. My heart aches for you and your longing for a father. I have no idea what exactly you've gone through, but I understand what it is to long for something from someone that they don't have the capacity to give. It can be overwhelming and at times causes me to lose hope. Thank you so much for sharing your pain with us. I am touched.

    (Visiting from SITS)

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  57. I really appreciate your honesty. It sounds like so much to go through. I hope that writing it out has helped with the healing a bit. Writing is my personal outlet for emotion when it gets too much for me to take. Something about releasing it onto paper (or the computer) takes such a weight off. And by the way, the title of this post is so clever and spot on.

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  58. Visiting from SITS.

    I wasn't expecting this...I actually thought I was going to laugh, but I found words that express a box full of emotions in which I filed away long ago. Thank you for showing me that I am not alone.

    I have to say the most poignant line in this post for me was when you said "And I wish more than anything that he were still here as a different man. "

    I secretly wish that every day.

    Cristina

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  59. Thank you for your positive thouhgts.
    Over sits

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  60. WOW! Thank you for sharing. I have a similar relationship w/ my father and have no idea what I will do one day when a call like that comes. You were very gracious to be w/ him.

    -Hope

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  61. Wow, this post was amazing. Raw and honest and full of emotion. I hope you find peace in your situation.

    www.americantribal.blogspot.com

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  62. We seem to have a lot in common. My dad is still alive but what you wrote about your dad could have described him to a "T". In fact last week he wrote me a couple of nasty e-mails just because I didn't agree with him on something. Yes, I too feel your pain of desperately trying to have a real relationship with my father who mentally and physically abused my mom and as a result we lived in fear and felt abused and drank like a fish and of course could not control his anger and still can't.
    Although he may seem a bit milder to his former years that is because my mom is divorced from him and all of his children are practically grown. I being the oldest child feel like his mother at times. I of course love my dad and pray for a change but he is almost 50 years old and loves talking about himself and his needs and problems and cannot seem to grasp of the concept of learning how to change his behavior.
    Thank you for this post, I feel a little less alone, although I feel like I will feel the same way when he passes. Somewhat realized that the anger will be gone but sad because I will miss him and the father he could have been. God bless you and carry you through the healing process.

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  63. I did not think I was going to read a post like this, but as for all writers who speak from their hearts and the truth, the good comes with the bad.

    Great post, sorry about your father.

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  64. I so totally understand your feelings. My mother let this happen in our house, and when my dad died, I had left the "family religion" a few years before. She told me not to call or write anymore unless I had a health emergency. I am dead to them and they (my sisters, their families and my mother) do not want anything to do with me. I've lost them all, and feel so much lighter without them -- They are the losers in my book. You are a strong, brave woman! God bless you... and your wonderful husband.

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  65. Beautifully written post. Your honesty was raw and touching.

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  66. Stopping in from SITS...

    A truly heartfelt post, I hope this day gets easier for you as time goes on.

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  67. Here from SITS. Read this, and although I had a good (not great) father, I could really relate. Makes me think about the legacy I want to leave for my kids. What I hope they remember...how I hope there will be few regrets. Loved this honest post. Thanks. Come on by sometime for a visit. We'd love to have you. Cheers, Holly at lifelaughlatte.blogspot.com

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  68. forgive him because you can, not because he deserves it... believe me it will make your heart lighter... I hope you find peace within your yourself.
    Hugs... Deb

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  69. Visiting from SITS. What a very strong emotional post! Bless your heart. Thank you for being so honest and sharing your story with us.

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  70. Thank you for your honesty in sharing this the way you have. I am so sorry for your pain. I am visiting from SITS. Sending smiles.

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  71. Wow..you brought me back to a place I haven't been in a long, long time. I never had a relationship with my alcoholic, abusive father even though I was forced to spend summers with the virtual stranger that he was. He never acknowledged our birthdays or Christmas. It was pretty much like we didn't exist. But I cried buckets when he died of cancer years ago. It's completely unexplainable. Maybe it is the not ever knowing what it's like to have a dad and the feelings of something that will never be. Boy, you are so not alone:)

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  72. The issue of a Father is an issue I deal with too. What are we, who had bad fathers, supposed to feel? I don't know. It's a subject I try not to think about too often to be honest because even though I am most definitely not a little girl anymore it still hurts to know that he didn't love me. (Or he doesn't - I don't actually know if he's alive or not or where he is...or not.) No matter how long I live it will always piss me off to hear that someone else had a horrible parent too. That shouldn't happen. And it sucks that it does.

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  73. *hugs* It's never easy. There is a little girl inside of you that will always crave her father's love. Instead, you need to see that little girl and love her. Love her as much and more than the love you gave to a man who couldn't return it. She ~ you ~ deserve it.

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  74. What does one say to that?? I really am not sure. It was so good. I wish I had the guts to put my "real" feelings out there like that...and I bet I would feel better in the end too...I have a father that was abusive as well. Physically to my brothers, and emotionally to me. He has never apologized for it, nor will he ever I believe...but I really think it is out of ignorance. Its not that he is in denial...he just doesn't believe it to be so. I wonder if he will ever REALLY know....

    Thanks for the post...it makes me wonder about the future...

    your fellow SITS'ta....Synergy Girl

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  75. Alex Fitzpatrick aka Ma What's 4 DinnerOctober 20, 2009 at 6:21 PM

    What courage you have to say the things so many think. I hope that time and your beautiful ability to put your feelings into words brings you peace! Thanks for your strength and honesty.

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  76. Stopping by from SITS, the line that sticks with me is "Someone's baby choosing the wrong path..." That's a hard truth when you are a Mom. Our kids can choose the wrong path and become awful people. Makes me want to try even HARDER with my kids. Great reminder that they are worth it!

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  77. Wow, that was very powerful. Here's to you and your strength and your healing! And you sister, too.

    (Found you via SITS.)

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  78. I must say that you two women are very strong and selfless. I don't know if I could be like that. Just remember that you and your sister are good people and that your so called father was the problem (not you or your sister). He caused this pain, not you two. I hope in time, you will heal and it becomes easier.

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  79. Oh, that's so tough. You seem very strong. It doesn't make it any easier.

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  80. I think that I needed to read this now more than ever, and I am so grateful to SITS for having featured this and to you for having written it.

    My father was abusive. He lost custody when I was 10 and since then has long lost contact as well. His mother needed a kidney and because he abused alcohol he could not donate to her. He tracked down my mother's sister (his only point of contact to me) and asked her to pass it onto me... that he hoped I could be a match. My aunt never told me, but she told my mom, who told me only after hearing my grandmother had died. I still don't know what I would've done if I had known at the time.

    Like you said... "how could I possibly?"

    Thank you for writing this.

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  81. It saddens me that there are parents out there like that. Sickens might be a better word.

    You ARE Worthy and special and he just didn't see it.

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  82. You are a great writer. I was there with you in that article feeling every bit of pain.

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  83. (((Hugs)))

    I was sexually abused my entire childhood. I now don't talk to many of my family members because of it. I can't imagine the emotions that are brought up because of a death.

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  84. What an emotional message.

    I was verbally and mentally abused by my own father. About 5 years ago, I finally cut off all ties with him because I couldn't keep going back and forth into that pit. I wait for the day that I hear of his death. I am sure it will be just the same kind of mix of emotions that you feel.

    Thank you for sharing.

    Stopping in from SITS.

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  85. That was very courageous of you to share. I chose not to see my father at the end of his life. I've always wondered about my choice.

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