Scorpions in the shower

I feel like I've just unloaded a buttload of hate on Texas and it might seem like it's from out of the blue. I don't know how much I've really talked about my love-hate relationship with this state (... "that can become a country whenever we want! We can secede! It's in our constitution!"), but I feel like I should come clean.

I love Texas because it's where I ultimately found myself, my love, and my family. I also love it for a small handful of precious friendships that I've forged.

I love its raw beauty that only someone who's survived it can truly appreciate. The enormous skies, the lakes and rivers, the sheer massiveness that makes it Texas.

But I hate it for so many reasons, too: the politics (gah! Dubya!), its lack of oceanic coast (look, I'm just sayin'), its road-hog-cyclist-hating-fools, its bloodthirsty critters that like to invade my space, and most of all, the weather.

I'm practically a bleeding heart liberal, I'm borderline socialist. I'm staunchly against guns. I'm not straight. I think our borders should be more open. My husband is obsessed with all things two-wheeled and therefore is a prime target for the random drunk asshole on the roads here. I'm a modern-day urban hippie. I crave the salty sea air and the sun sizzling down into a vast body of water. I abhor anything that looks like it might fight Harry Hamlin. I feel my best when there's a nip in the air and my cheeks have the occasion to turn rosy whilst the rest of me is nicely bundled up. And I even like to go outside during the summer and not worry about heat exhaustion or my son burning his hand on a slide.

If the weather here were different, and the creatures stuck to their side of the fence, I'd likely make this my forever home and try to make it a state more aligned with my own heart - because that's what you do when you're not satisfied with the status quo, right? You shit or get off the pot. Essentially, if things were different I'd shit; I'd get involved, lobby, volunteer, etc. I'd become a Texan.

I'd become a Texan even though being a Texan is more synonymous with big money, racist tendencies, Good Ol' Boy clubs, high school football, big-haired debutantes, and saying "y'all" because it's really so much more than that here. Sure, those people are here, but I figure it gives Texas its flavor, love it or hate it and we can choose our friends and our tribe. I also have the honor of living in the least Texan of all cities, Austin, and for that much I am forever grateful.

But, I'm trying to get off the pot. The weather here cripples me. And it's sad. I wish I could get over it and love it and just deal with it, but I can't. All I ever think about is leaving and breathing and getting out from under 9 months of heat and half-assed winter.

I'm pretty much convinced that the only reason any celebrities ever "live" in Austin is because they spend most of their time on the road away from here (yeah, Hi, Lance!).

Well, it's not just the weather that's shooing me away. It's also the scorpions that visit the back of my neck in the middle of the night or sometimes my bathroom sinks when I'm washing my face, or like most recently, my shower floor as I was about to step buck ass naked into it. I simply cannot do it anymore.

So, please, PLEASE, Powers That Be, PLEASE get Anthony a new job so we can move back to San Francisco or maybe to Portland, OR for a real change of scenery (and check out the back of their state flag - how cool is that??).

I need to be able to go outside in August and take my baby with me and not worry about anyone passing out from heat stroke. I'd like to take a shower without fear of a gigantic BUG being in it waving its nasty ass claws at me like I'm the intruder or worrying about my toddler stuffing one in his mouth when he stumbles across one seeking refuge in MY house because it's so effing hot outside and there's no water to be found and it's a thousand degrees outside so where else is Mr. Scorpion gonna go except in my house?? (God help me I'll pass out if that ever happens!)

So, there you have it. I'm actually admitting I am not a fan of Texas and I want to leave. Now I'll sit here and wait for a longhorn to gore me in my chair.

Long live fruits and nuts