Sleeping in the middle of the bed is 2/3 bullshit

When Anthony's gone, I sleep well and horribly all at the same time. Mostly, it's falling asleep that I have trouble with (it feels so lonely without him reading next to me or for me to drowse on), but once I do pass out I'm in heaven smack in the middle of the mattress. Usually spread eagle.

And I sorta go spread eagle in my every day life, too, and I feel guilty for liking my space all while missing him terribly. So, basically, my life with Anthony traveling is made up of three parts: loving the freedom to do things my way and my way only and having one less person to worry about, feeling guilty at loving said freedom, and missing my husband. It's two thirds bullshit.

I've written before about how great it is to have ice cream for dinner and to only have myself to clean up after. It wouldn't be great if I had to do it 100% of the time, but it's a real treat. The trick now is to give myself permission to really feel good about thinking it's a treat instead of beating myself up about it. Otherwise, I'm on my way to 100% bullshit.

One voice tells me I'm supposed to miss my husband and time apart from him is only bad and nothing else. The other voice is a lot more relaxed and happy without all my self-imposed duties that are a part of running a family.

Not only am I trying to reconcile loving and hating this time separated from my guy, but Hollis has exploded in terms of development. It's been amazingly fun and exciting. My only regret is that Anthony has been missing all of it. To that end, because so much was happening, I started a list of new things because I was worried I'd forget something and there's nothing that stabs at my heart more than having to tell Anthony, "Oh, I forgot to tell you about that [really awesome new thing your son does now]."

Here's the note:

I'm pretty sure you can't read it, so allow me to transcribe it for you and explain them.
  • wagging my rump to "Promiscuous Girl" w/Hollis (that is to say, he was laughing hysterically at me as I did this)
  • his "love" zerberts (he now zerberts all over me: my arms, my legs, my belly if I let him all in the name of baby lurv)
  • dancing (he's started to really get down)
  • burying his face in my butt, patting & squeezing it (now this is a mystery to me as to why he does this. I'm fairly certain he's never seen his father do this and Anthony's never really paid my butt nearly as much attention as Hollis does. But Hollis has decided my butt is the best thing ever.)
  • finding him pants-less (I went into his room one day to check on him and he'd taken off his overalls)
  • tossing everything out of his crib (he cannot stand for one object in his crib that he doesn't want there, which usually just leaves him, his blankie, and a paci)
  • rabbit, circle, cow, hot, more, Mimi/Tata, moon, sun, chess, Nana, poo, bubbles, boots, blue, brush, Q-Tip, toothbrush, watermelon, yogurt, cheese (new words)
  • shy - then friendly (he's great around strangers. Sizes them up first then goes forward)
  • peeing in potty in tub (I catch his pee in the bath tub in the potty. He's skeptical, but goes along with it)
  • fave book - Everyone Poops
  • climbing on everything, riding his rocket (nothing is off limits or out of his range anymore. I just found him ON TOP of the kitchen table the other day)
  • wearing our shoes (I often find him limping around with one of my high heels on, but he's just as happy slopping around in Daddy's slippers)
  • stinky feet! bleck! (Mom and Terry taught him this little trick in the car. They smell his feet then make a face. He cracks himself up with this one)
  • cheeks jiggle when running
  • climbs into carseat (all by himself)
  • puts his Crocs on (all by himself)
  • rides Mommy like a horse! (the other day I bruised my knees and gave myself rug burn from running up and down the hall between the bedrooms with him on my back. It was the best afternoon ever)
  • appropriate responses to movies - "uh-oh!" (when a rocket landed on Wall-E he was yelling "uh oh!!" over and over. I'd say that was pretty appropriate.)

And because I'm feeling bad (OF COURSE) for getting to see all this first hand and Anthony doesn't, here's a little photo log of the past week and a half:


  1. Jessica, I loved this, and I <3 you & Hollis. But, please stop shoulding all over yourself, woman! You are allowed to be happy and have fun when you are on your own. And yes, I agree they are self-imposed, because Anthony seems fairly laid-back.

  2. This post, particularly the pictures, just made me smile. Thanks Jess! -b

  3. Those are some awesome photos. Love the bath and the tree.
    I say try to enjoy. I suck at doing things for myself but I am great at telling other people what to do so enjoy!

  4. Ha, thanks. I'm just in a shit ass mood these days, so I can't help it that it comes out here. Good thing I don't get paid to do this. And good thing I put up cute pictures to off set my bitch ass mood!

  5. Cute! Or, to be more precise, cyooooooot!

    And Hollis has good taste in literature. Everyone Poops is a classic.

  6. Love this post too. I feel the same way when the hubby is traveling. Its hard to reconcile the happiness with the loneliness I find. I also absolutely adore your little man - he is a doll.

  7. Aw, thanks for the update! And I've got the same 2/3 bullshit, so let's both try to lose some of it.

  8. OMG, Hollis is just all kinds of adorable! So gorgeous!

    I know what you mean, I also have mixed feelings about my husband's business trips. Nice to have an uncomplicated schedule, early bedtime with the girls, simple meals, less laundry... at least until he gets back. But I really miss him when he's gone! And sleeping alone? Forget it, I bring one or both of the girls with me. I'm not big on sleeping alone.