8.20.2010

Wherein I break with all common sense and spill my guts

(Family, this post isn't for you.  Please read this post, too, if you  missed it from a few days ago.  If you choose to read it, keep it to yourself.)

 
Image via Lucynka55.

I'm "home sick" today.  Literally, and for the first time since becoming a mother almost three years ago.  I woke up this morning before dawn and had a 101.5 fever.  I patiently waited until the sane hour of 6:30 am and called my mom.

"Mom," I croaked.  "I'm sick.  I give in.  Can Terry come get Hollis later today??"

So, Hollis went off with Papa for a day (and night) of fun and frolic and I am left in an empty house, an empty city, and with an Ibuprofen-controlled fever.

And I don't know what the fuck to do with myself.

Forget for a minute that my son is gone for the day, but really: I. don't. know. what. the. fuck. to. do. with. myself.

Like, in general.  My marriage is all kinds of fucked (let's be honest here, I am not hopeful and neither is Anthony).  I don't have a job, though I'm perfectly educated for one.  I feel like I have too much time on my hands to think/feel/worry/wonder/fantasize.  I feel adrift, to say the very least.

Even feeling like this confuses me because I know that I'll land on my feet.  I always do.  I may prefer dogs to cats, but I'm very cat-like in my nimbleness.  For instance, I got a $100 check card in the mail the other day during a month that we're particularly hemorrhaging money.  Just more proof that I'll be ok.

I consistently feel like what I really want is out of my reach, too far away, destined never to be in my grasp because I'm not smart enough to figure it all out.  How do I get that fucking holy grail of happiness and contentment?  Why am I compelled to reach for it in the first place?

I hate limbo.  I'm such a shit or get off the pot sort of gal.  You'll never hear me complain about something unless I'm prepared to try to fix it.  Therefore, Anthony and I have decided to take the separation a step further: he'll be moving in to the apartment full time and Hollis will be going back and forth.  It's been too hard on all of us, this weird sharing of space and pre-dawn commutes.

When did my life become a series of moves to disassemble??  I spent so long putting it all together in the first place.

One minute I'm extremely excited about my future and its possibilities for greater happiness and the next I'm disconsolate over my complete inability to make what I have work.  But how can I possibly change who I am at the core??  This isn't a communication issue.  This isn't a behavioral issue.  It's a person issue.  I am the wrong woman for him.  He is the wrong man for me.  It's no one's fault.  It just fucking is.

It's taken me hours to write this, all day in fact.  A friend came by to see me today for a few hours, I chatted online with friends, I perused/sifted/day-dreamed about so many 1s and 0s, then Anthony and I chatted and we discussed official separation papers and "Do we know any family attorneys among our collection of friends?"  I've kept the fever at bay, but not my insidious worrying that I will fail at this transition somehow, that I'm failing now.  

It's interesting that I can at once believe in my abilities and failings so completely at once.  A sign of the times, I suppose.

I want it to be two years from now so badly; to just skip over so much bullshit emotion and pain and be on the other side of this.  Full of piss and vinegar again, ready to tackle anything.  I'm so tired.  So, so tired, and yet, I wish I were busier.  I'm plagued by my free time.  I'm envious of Anthony and his skills at compartmentalizing.  I've never been good at that.  Occasionally I get a whiff of what that's like when I lose track of time writing or talking to a friend or working out, but I can't consume myself with those things all day every day, can I?

I miss Anthony and what he represents, but I don't miss our combined energies.  We're both happier apart.  This is really the right thing to do.  All of it.  Every last drop.

Swirling confusion.  I feel like I've been blindfolded and spun around, then spanked smartly on my behind.  I'm titillated and interested, confused and stumbling; I'm eager to swallow the treat.  So eager.

Just keep rolling with the punches.  I can do this.

Breathe.

[Ed. note: I went to bed last night thinking, "I should probably put a disclaimer on my post reminding people that I'm ok", so, here it is.  If we hung out we'd joke and laugh, and I'd make inappropriate jokes as per my usual, and we'd talk about your house renovations or your PhD program or your son.  I'd answer any questions you had about what's happened with me and Anthony and I might tear up (a little), but I wouldn't cry.  Then I'd tell you all about how Hollis named the underground garage at Wholefoods a "car-house" and how I've fallen back in love with my boobs.  I might even tell you about my new found resolve to most definitely not get another dog.  It's not all doom and gloom over here.  I just had a moment yesterday.  I have them regularly, though not continuously, and once I get it off my chest I feel better.  Thanks for all the love you give me, everyone.  Truly, it's amazing and overwhelming and it's such a wonderful reminder to throw open my front door each and every day and smile into the the world and to keep doing what I do.]

13 comments:

  1. you can do THIS!! and THIS fucking sucks. I'm so so sorry. It is so tricky, this life. Thanks so much for sharing this. Beautifully written. Feel better. Can't wait to hang out in Austin.

    HUGE HUG,
    Allison

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  2. It is always in the midst, in the epicenter, of your troubles that you find serenity.
    -- Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

    (Your serenity is on its way.)

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  3. Jessica, I read your blog often and comment . . . rarely. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, and totally understand what you mean by adding your note at the end. Some moments/days/hours/weeks are much worse than others, and then suddenly they become overwhelming.

    I wish I could jump ahead two years too, I've been wishing that for a while now. Skip over the crap, and get back to living real life! If you figure out a way to do it, be sure to let me know :)

    I'm dealing with some of these same issues as you, and I understand how quickly the weight of the situation can bog one down. I commend you for writing about your marital problems - I am totally not there yet but hope to be one day. I think many people will read these posts and will totally relate . . . and although it doesn't make your situation today any better, it is a good thing.

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  4. Jessica, still new here, to your blog and really to life in general. I don't have anything "helpful" to add. All I can say is I'm listening and I hear you.

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  5. I don't have anything profound but didn't want to leave without sending a hug and wishes for healing, both physical immediately and emotional over time. Take all the moments you need.

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  6. feel free to ignore:

    make each little step your Job. get the papers done. get the moving done. pick up a health habit, and make it your job. ex. you have to run every morning. all of these things = completion, something clear while you are swimming in mud.

    just getting as separated as you plan to be will make a huge difference.

    and whether you can feel it right now or not, just knowing that you are not meant to be together is a HUGE puzzle solved. now, get to work on your jobs.

    and when are you going to buy that grown up lady dress already???

    lots of love in all of this. :)

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  7. I don't have anything profound to say, but I am thinking of you. And I understand that you're mostly OK, but a little bit up and down. I also know that you will come out the other side - maybe even sooner than you think?

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  8. You know I still remember that feeling when me and my 4 yr old boyfriend seperated.....we were just not meant together but we still loved eachother and I think it is much worse when it is this way. But after two years yeah it all fell back into place and we are still friends. Your issue is more difficult as married but truly if it is just a reason of not meant to be and still friends you can still support eachother and help eachother out just like me did! hugs your way

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  9. Hang in there. I've been through several of these dark times and I've learned that the old adage, "The only way out is through" is really true. The dawn will come, even when the night seems endless.

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  10. I wish I could give you a big hug and bring you a cup of warm tea. Let's just pretend I did, shall we? :-)

    It sucks. I am glad though, that you are moving forward in a way that makes you happy. I would love to hear where it is you want to be and what you want to be doing. As much as it scares me I am starting to believe that by saying it and knowing it you can make it happen!

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  11. Breath is right, girl. Just keep breathing. You will get through it... eventually. And you'll come out on the other side better for it.

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  12. Oh, and @CypressSun, I DO have that dress! It is AMAZING on me. I just need a place to wear it now! @Allison actually saw it on my in Houston for a pre-BlogHer meetup. I felt like Wonder Woman in it!

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