I was talking to my sister last night after the debate and I was struck with just how different our lives are these days. It wasn't that long ago that she and I had similar lives. We both had full-time jobs, offices, work numbers, salaries, sick-days, too few vacation days, boss issues, coworkers, and dozens of friends to keep in touch with and relationships to nurture. We may have also been in relationships or just having fun. There were also lots of parties, celebrations, weddings, and happy hours.
These days? Well, from my end of the telephone it certainly seems her life is very much the same, but with all the growing up you'd expect such as better job and relationships. She jets off frequently to spend time with various groups of close girlfriends (she was just in Boston this last weekend), goes over to friends' houses to make dinner and drink wine, and has coffee dates. Her boyfriend comes and stays with her a few days out of every week and they go out to dinner or spend time with friends.
She puts, what appears to me as, vast amounts of energy into her friends. She is a wonderful, giving, loving friend to all her friends all the time. No exceptions.
I barely see my best friend once a month... and she lives about a mile away.
I've set a goal to hand-write one letter a month to someone I care about. I set that two months ago and I did write my sister a note, but that's almost cheating because I talk to her weekly. She may actually be the person, besides Anthony and my mom, who I talk to the most regularly. The point of setting the goal was to keep in touch with those friends with whom I've lost touch.
I peruse my friends' MySpaces and Facebook profiles and they're all so connected to their friends. Even those friends with babies and kids. There is photo after photo of big friend gatherings and couple outtings. Anthony and I don't have any "couple-friends," nor do we run with a big crowd anymore.
I feel like we've moved into a weird twilight zone of adulthood. It's like we're all alone with millions of other parents with small children who can't hang with a disturbance in their routines, either. Hollis is easy, as I've said a hundred times already, but that's only if he gets his sleep. We can't drag him to dinner somewhere any time after 7 o'clock or he'll have a meltdown because he's so painfully tired. And who, besides senior citizens and parents of young children eat dinner before 7??
We've had to turn down countless invitations to do things in the past few months. I feel like a horrible friend, almost selfish because if I can't do it on "my" terms, then I can't go. It sucks and I don't mean to be such a pain in the ass or so damn unavailable, but there it is. I can't do a damn thing about it.
I think, too, that my feelings of isolation and guilt are exacerbated because I don't have any other friends with kids. Well, that's not true, my friend, Les, has twin girls 8 months older than Hollis, but she lives an hour away. And my other friends with babies live in California. The friends I have been able to see over the past year are, quite frankly, the sweetest people I've ever met. They never mind that I have weird socializing hours or always tell them, "Sorry, I can't make it because Hollis (fill in the blank)."
In any case, I'm sorry, everyone for being so invisible for the past year! I don't see it changing any time soon, either. - Yet another reason why people who get married and have kids, or just have kids together sans union, with a shitty base of a relationship so often split up at this time in their lives. This is not easy! Wondrous, soulful, fulfilling, ephemeral? Yes. Easy? No.
Now's the time to circle my wagons, so to speak, and focus on my marriage and my young son. This is when I feed my family (and that includes me) with love, commitment, and sensitivity so as to set up a successful pattern for years to come. I'm putting so much love and energy into my family (MY family) that I'm left with virtually nothing left give.
But I still miss my friends... a lot.
Check out that scary-ass van in the background! Who buys that for their kid to drive?! I imagine the back is upholstered with shag carpeting or something.
So we went to California and we conquered and now we're back home. Hollis was a supa champ - for real. He's a breeze on the plane and just generally a blast to be around. As for me, it's always a vacation when there are loving friends and relatives around fighting over who's gonna feed him, bathe him, hold him, comfort him, etc. Although, switching off the "high alert" signal took some doing. I'm so used to being the only one around him and having to constantly evaluate his environment, what's in his hands/mouth, his moods, and the like that I act like no other reasonable adult is in the room to intervene on his behalf.
The map behind Oprah shows how quickly one pornographic image of a child being molested can spread. It starts with the large red dot from a computer in Washington, D.C. Within 24 hours, it has spread all across the United States—from coast to coast and north to south. “This is just an average day in America—24 hours,” Oprah says.
So, it has been approximately 11 months since I went out as "Jessica" and not as "Jessica the Mommy." My best friend, Sheree, and I decided to get dressed up and have some wine downtown for my birthday. - So very big girl of me! - It was weird. As soon as I got in the car I felt like I was forgetting something (ostensibly Hollis back at home). Eventually, I began to feel more like myself, but I admit, sheepishly, that I had more wine than I normally do (3 glasses - up until then, the most I've had since having Hollis was a big 2) and that really dragged just plain old Jessica out of the box.
Then, the very next night, Anthony and I went out to a very swanky dinner (again to celebrate my birthday). I felt like a real, full blown person - independent of a little puddin' pop of baby love. We got there early and ordered drinks from the bar and sat and chatted like we were on a first date. It was fantastic. Anthony was so handsome and cute and I felt like the luckiest person alive.
