I got iced coffee for the first time today in years and I've been nursing it for 3 and a half hours. *sip* *sip* I know I'm going to regret it later, but I can't seem to stop myself.
That's been a theme for me the last few months, whether it be watching TV into the wee hours of the morning, polishing off a bottle of wine by myself after Hollis is in bed, or smoking a cigarette (or five or ten), any kind of disregard I can inflict on myself I've taken the opportunity.
Of course, I've simultaneously striven for balance with a healthy diet, lots of exercise, intense therapy, and lots of communication with Anthony as we go through this chapter of our relationship (read: the final chapters of romance), but it still doesn't negate the fact that I self destruct - though "destruct" is too harsh a word. I'm thinking self-spank is more apt.
I remember being a kid and having no power in my life or over how I got to express my pain. I immediately turned inward, blamed myself, sought outlets where I wouldn't feel. I'm not a kid anymore, though I still seek outlets that let me disengage. Thankfully, they're just those spanks I mentioned before, but I'm still confounded by them. Why do I still do anything of the sort??
All of this brings me to a question that I've been pondering at great lengths lately: how do I teach Hollis to feel (and deal with) those feelings that are painful, difficult, stressful, and otherwise wearing on the soul?
I was given no skills in this department as a little person. Zero. And I know most aren't given the tools to work through feelings deemed "negative" or "troublesome." I feel like it will be a major parenting win if I can somehow manage to do this (don't ask me what it means if I don't somehow get this achieved - that's another post) .
I want Hollis to express his rage and sadness. I don't want him to internalize it or be afraid to show it like I was. I don't want him to grow up and go on benders or hide for months and years at a time behind drugs and shallow relationships - all things I attribute to my inability to process my pain. I want him to have avenues of expression, be they artistic or otherwise. I want him to feel the discomfort and grow from it.
Like every parent I want him to live a better life than me; not pain-free, but expression-full. And expression that moves him forward, not backward like mine always seems to do.
As an (almost) 35 year old woman I've learned how to counteract my unhealthy coping mechanisms, but I'm still at a loss as to how to avoid them all together. I get it now. I don't even beat myself up over it like I used to. I just trudge on and love all the weird ass parts of me; all the contradictions and idiosyncrasies. But teaching a little person how to do what's always alluded me?? Eesh... how the hell do I do that???
I'm open to suggestions.