5.11.2010

Paving the way



This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have waxed poetic about how their parenting has inspired others, or how others have inspired them. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

When I was pregnant I had only one or two things clear in my mind about how I wanted to parent. I wasn't going to spank and I was going to breastfeed. That was it.

Looking back on it it's almost funny how little mental work I'd put into it considering how vast the work is now. As a parent I think about the minutiae: the tone in which I express my message, my body language, do the consequences fit the request?, age- and development-appropriateness, consistency between me and Anthony, the list goes on and on.

Something I also think about is the example I'm setting for the other mothers and mothers-to-be in my life. I really do. Are they going to see me and Hollis together and have pleasant associations or are they going to be dreadful? Will lunch and play dates be something to look forward to or cringe from? Will my friends and family find it more easy or difficult to stand behind me?

And, proudly, I can say that I have created a space within my loved ones that is supportive, applauding, and inspirational.

I'm actually somewhat shocked by it. I've never really been one to inspire anyone to do anything except maybe drink too much. But recently several important people in my life have gone out of their way to tell me what an inspiration I am to them when they see me traveling this Motherhood Trail with Hollis. Those words touch me deeply given my great conflicts about staying home and still growing as a woman.

They have told me that I am gentle and kind to Hollis, that I show them how different parenting can be from what they experienced as kids. They're surprised (and thrilled) at how friendly and happy Hollis is and that makes things that might startle them (like a pants-less Hollis running around) easier to digest.

I don't do Time Outs and I don't hit, yell, threaten, or deprive. How in the world do I get Hollis to "behave"? They wonder and watch. Basically, it's a symbiotic relationship of respect, honesty, and safety. I let Hollis be Hollis and he trusts me. That's pretty much it. I'm also consistent, firm, kind, respectful, and humble. Daily, I am challenged and daily Hollis and I have our run-ins, so I'm not trying to say he's a robot child, or even a dog, but we manage pretty damn well, I think. (Damn, this is weird to be tooting my own horn like this, but this is the assignment, so I'm going for it!)

I want everyone to look at me and my son and see that there really is an alternative to hitting, yelling, yanking, scaring, and bullying. There is! I also want to share with everyone my belief that Hollis is a person, but a small, developing one. His brain is growing and not remotely as sophisticated as my own and therefore I will use my superior intellect to form appropriate expectations. I will always talk about my parenting education, my philosophies, and my goals with anyone who'll listen because if I can affect just one person, even minutely, then I feel we're one step closer to returning to a gentle, natural focus of parenting versus the Puritan ideal of original sin, spoiling baby, and rigid, unfair expectations.

Two and half years into parenting I know I'm a rookie, but I'm also a veteran. It's a weird dynamic being so new, yet feeling seasoned. I really hope that I continue to be an inspiration, both to my friends and family and to myself.
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18 comments:

  1. You know when I was pregnant my only immediate thought was that I will breastfeed and I will babywear! Now that he is 1 yr 3 months and was finding how hard it was getting with tantrums etc I turned to find out more on natural parenting (as it was what I wanted to do really) anyhow I am being more consistent, gentle and firm and our tantrums and bouts of crying have dwindled to nearly 0... I am so pleased with that! However, if you can diurect me to more info or maybe send me about your own experience I would be greatful

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  2. Love this! Love that you took the encouragement to toot your own horn and ran with it. Because it is so true that you can raise a child respectfully and gently and still have him turn out ok (better than ok!), and we need to say this out loud.

    Also, can I say — you are in my mind. I was just thinking how I've only been doing this parenting gig a little under 3 years, and I feel like an old pro. I think it must be the trial by fire aspects of it all, like boot camp but with babies.

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  3. I love this: "Daily, I am challenged and daily Hollis and I have our run-ins, so I'm not trying to say he's a robot child, or even a dog, but we manage pretty damn well, I think." That is exactly how I feel. People sometimes question gentle/respectful parenting, gleefully pointing out when Kieran "misbehaves" as proof that he needs more discipline/punishment. But if those things were the cure-all, wouldn't parents who use them only have to do so once (or a handful of times)? That is definitely not the case though.

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  4. Good work, mama.

    I love every example I can get my hands on of parenting more gently than we were raised and still having a happy polite kid at the end. It makes me think that YES! I CAN DO IT! IT IS POSSIBLE!

    Proud of you. You're allowed to toot your own horn.

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  5. It is so cool to hear you saying how well things have turned out! It never fails to give me faith in what I am doing with my daughter as well. Anid how wonderful that people have actually told you what a good job you're doing. That is priceless. Respect!

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  6. I absolutely agree with you: it's respect. We have 3 boys, and they listen to me. We have never had to spank, or threaten: it's on mutual respect and love and devotion.

    They know I'm committed to them, and that we are a family. People will comment on how I do it, and I say, "we do it.
    This was an excellent parenting post.
    Thank you.

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  7. I think it's great that you treat your son like a real person and try to make it obvious to others that you are doing so. I know several people who seem to think babies are like accessories- cute to have around sometimes and show off, but don't actually have thoughts and feelings and desires. Can be ignored when it's convenient for you. I always try to point out the baby's feelings and wants to those people so hopefully they'll start to realize babies and kids are "real people" too!

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  8. I really enjoyed reading this! Thanks for sharing.

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  9. I can relate so much to your experience. I had similar simple aspirations before Everett was born and never even thought about reading parenting books, or doing any research to expand my ideas or philosophy. I just dove in with the best intentions, learned about how complex it is to be a parent with awareness of her impact on her child and followed my instincts. Learning along the way seems to really work best for some of us and I'm happy for you and proud that you were willing to go for it and have had been rewarded/fulfilled by it.

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  10. I kind of had the same approach when I found out we were having a baby. Was thinking simple and didn't realize how much detail and attention raising children needed. It is such a good feeling to know that you are doing something right and others notice it in you.

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  11. oh dear. I think i commented on the wrong post! Please feel free to move it over here, if you can. I can't remember exactly my words!

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  12. I like that you tooted your own horn. It feels good sometimes to say "hey, I'm good at something" and know that you are and that people around you recognize it. We in the blogging community recognize it too. Good job!

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  13. I love your confidence in yourself and how well this has translated into such a nourishing motherhood. How wonderful that you are showing others that being connected with your child on a deep level does create a relationship of cooperation. Thank you for reminding us how much people do watch our children's behavior and that they can be shaped to take the approach of gentle parenting. Beautiful writing and voice.

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  14. I agree with you - through our actions, we can show people that there's another way. We can advance the cause of gentle and respectful parenting. And maybe, in the process, gentle and respectful living. It's a worthy goal, to say the least.

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  15. Yay! I appplaud everyone who makes an effort to create a violence free environment!

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  16. What a great post! Instinctual parenting at its best really!

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  17. I am also hyper vigilant about the tone of voice I use when expressing myself. It's not always as gentle as I'd like (but most of the time it is!)

    What a wonderful job you're doing!

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  18. It's something to be proud of. Good for you!

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