The magic that is a child (this is not a year-end recap)

Every morning I am awoken by Hawk climbing into bed with me; my mattress is on the floor and he delights in the ease with which he can snuggle down next to me.  Today was no different.

Yet, somehow, today is different.  Just a little.

It's my 5 year anniversary.

I feel some sadness about this, though it's more like I feel a kind of heavy pressure regarding its presence rather than any real emotion about it.  Maybe it's more accurate to say, I think I feel some sadness about today.

Hawk rustled under the covers and my eyes blinked open to see the sunlight streaming in over the back of his spiky bedhead.  His little shoulder rising and falling with his breath accompanied by a slight motion from rubbing his blankie between his thumb and forefinger.

Then he rolled over and we were nose to nose looking deeply into each other's eyes.  His dark brown lashes blurred into white tips as they caught the soft light and his cobalt blue irises reflected me back like a tiny, tiny mirror.  Everything else in the universe ceased to exist as I stared at myself in his eyes.  He lifted his hand, placed it on my face gently and said, "It is a good day."

The last five weeks have been incredible; such a tangle of every emotion possible.  I am happier than I've been in years, yet I am also sad; I'm angry, I'm at peace; I hurt, I rejoice.  The death of my marriage has conjured up the ghosts from my father's and Levi's deaths and I have re-experienced that pain all over again, as well.  Apparently, despite my grief over these things being so vastly different, they're still all in a "grief file" in my brain and when I pull out one, I revisit the others whether I want to or not.

Grief aside, life is pretty fucking ok.

Rooster and I are doing well.  We have our moments of locked horns, but just as in our marriage our separation and road to divorce is full of decorum and respect.  We're like little barnyard goats, not bighorn sheep.  I couldn't ask for a better man in my life than him to share this with -- is it weird to say I wouldn't want to divorce anyone else but him??  I think you get the point: his kind, gentle intelligence is serving us now just as it did when we were working to stay together.

My friends have been supportive and caring; gently reaching out, but never crowding me.  I've had some incredibly low moments this month and if it weren't for the steady trickle of concern from far and wide my pain surely would have run away with me.  Thank you to all of you.  I cannot imagine my life without you.

Tuesday, January 4th, Hawk starts day care.  Full time.  I got him enrolled in an amazing school which is centered around child-led play.  Seventy-five children, aged 18 months to 5 years, run amok playing with potions, piles of sand, old tires, and the ugliest castoff toys I've ever seen which somehow magically turn into the shiniest, most spectacularly special toys when I use the eyes of my youth.

A lot has been going on, yes... yet, I haven't been dreading today as you might think.  I believe in regular days and their mundane power and try not to give importance to arbitrary dates (with the singular exception of Hawk's birthday and those days which those I love find important).  I'm having some of my dearest friends over tonight, people who were at my wedding 5 years ago, and Rooster has asked to join us.  Of course I said he was more than welcome.

So I will be ringing in the New Year much the same as I did five years ago: with hope, with expectation, with love and friends surrounding me.  The biggest difference now is that everyday I have a small, cherubic face to remind me what a good day it is today lest I forget.

And as his early morning words faded into the space over our heads comfortably cradled in my down pillows he moved his hand to rub my arm.  He took a small breath and added to his assertion about today's goodness, "You are so precious."

Indeed, I thought, but it's more like lucky. I am so, so lucky.


  1. Aw, Jessica. There's so much here.

    I'm glad that things are OK. I'm glad that you are finding your way. I continue to think about you.

    Happy New Year!

  2. Isn't grief crazy that way? Gets me every time how many different things I have to revisit just because of a loss, no matter how different the losses are. I remember when I was separated from my ex-husband before we got divorced, we spent our old anniversary together. It was odd and comforting all at the same time. Hang in there, and know that the roller coaster of emotions won't last forever. Big hugs :-).

  3. I'm so glad to hear from you Jessica! It sounds like you are doing about as well as one can hope. It sounds like you are facing it all and walking to it. And I wish all the best for you in 2011.

  4. What a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing. Hawk's got it figured out, and he's there to help you see it. What an incredible little boy :)

  5. the best part is the love pouring into this little man is showing itself in his expressions, his choice of words. you are so precious. to him. to me. to us. happy twenty eleven. glad to know ya.

  6. come back and read and reread your posts. i don't always know what to say. your words are incredibly heartfelt and powerful. we're all here for you, even in the small way i can be.