In November of '08 I lost Levi. My companion, my first attempt at adulthood, my anchor. I was reasonably devastated, but I had a 1 year old, a husband, and a life to manage and he'd turned autumn with age and faded away as I was nurturing new growth.
A lot has happened in the last 3 1/2 years and I wonder if he'd even know me anymore. He probably would, actually, my life is much more like it was prior to Rooster and Hawk every other week. I go out, I have friends and men over, I am raucous and debauched, I dictate my day based on the weather and my energy levels. It's not all bad.
But it's a weird life I have now. I have officially opened my private practice and I have a client on the books. A real live paying customer. I have a dozen or so clients at the agency where I volunteer and my heart sings as I provide a safe and loving environment for hurting souls. I am basically financially secure, but eager to make more of a living and I have slowly been thawing after more than a year of gut wrenching heartache. And so it's come to pass that I have a new creature in my life. Little miss Hazel Higgins.
The addition of a puppy into my life coincides with the decision to be real again; to own up to my hurts, to be a big girl and face my pain and my fears, and to be held accountable for more than two weeks out of a month. When Hawk is with me I am balanced and safe. I am Mommy, I am pal, I am teacher, I am a kisser of booboos and explainer of all things. When Hawk is with his father I am Jessica, I am raw, I am visceral, I am pain. This puppy will bridge the gap, I know.
Divorce is not anything I wish upon anyone. I keep meeting people going through what I did and it's a rude awakening to all at just how deep the cut goes. To the bone doesn't even begin to describe it, the sense of loss, failure, and despair are so great. So many say, "I will never get divorced," but honestly, how can you?? How can you really know? I was once one of those people.
Rooster used to say to me, "You are my soul mate, Jess. I see us as old, wrinkly people in rockers somewhere someday." I believed him despite my surprise that anyone would want that with me. My heart soared at the thought, my secret wish answered by another. But, look. It didn't happen. And I am alone again. And who do I have, really, if I don't have myself??
So, this dog, this little pound puppy with crooked ears and smeared-mascara eyes, will remind me to be me again and to remember that I am always here. Midnight wake-up calls to let her out and all.