Life is profoundly interesting.
I don't mean that to sound trite or even over-reaching. I really mean it.
My life, in particular, has become exceptionally extra-ordinary over the last several months. I've discovered coves of my person previously ignored and utterly unexplored. I'm not the person I thought I was, wanted to be, could be, or should be.
I just am.
I wonder what kind of legacy I'm going to leave for Hollis. I generally move through my days with troves of emotions and thoughts not fit for the old me, but which fit perfectly into my new identity, this new Jessica. I am not apologetic to the old me, but I feel instead a certain condescending vibe towards my old, naive self. She really thought that if she toed the line everything would be right in her world. Little did she know how far from true that really would be.
My life is, and probably will be, a host of surprises and twists insomuch that I may do and feel things I didn't know were even possible in the landscape of living a "good life," yet somehow manages to still be a very good life.
My greatest hope for the new year is that I am able to fulfill all my yearnings as a woman (separate from mother and wife) and that I am still able to be amazing at home (as mother and wife). That's where the rubber meets the road: can I pursue Me and maintain Mama and Wife simultaneously? I'm willing to bet the answer is a resounding YES seeing as so many incredible women do it already (see my blogroll if you don't believe me) and have great success as people and mothers.
It could also be that 2010 is the year of epic disasters. But I'll take those, too.
I'm not afraid of failing anymore. I've become more afraid of not trying to make a change and of settling for the status quo. I'm literally willing to do anything to become a better, happier, healthier, more satisfied, more challenged, and more robust person. Both my guys will benefit from me becoming all of these things. Hollis will see his mama striving. Anthony will see his wife growing. I will see myself as I want to see me: fulfilled.
I have other more mundane thoughts on the New Year, as well. The biggest being getting my finances in order. I control the purse strings and I'm a terrible banker. You can guess the results of that combination. And who knows what will happen once I get that straightened out. Maybe my fitness will be next. I already think they're connected.
But mostly, it's going to be my year. I'm going to live every day like it's my last. I'm not going to worry about anything that I can't control. I'm going to remember that it's not all about me, that it's not personal, and that it's ok to seek pleasure and happiness. I'm going to be a good wife, a good mother, and a good friend. I'm going to eat with less guilt, laugh with less caution, and be more open about my feelings. Everyone I love will know it and never ever wonder. I am going to transform my space from one of frustration and griping into one of energy, love, and passion. I'm going to be the me I know I can be.
I really like the sound of 2010 off my lips. It has a clip and a ring to it that just feels right. Goddamn, I'm glad to close the book on 2009. I'm ready for you, 2010! Let's do this!
So, what's 2010 going to be for you??