I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel so blah, icky, exhausted, sore, run down. I wonder intermittently if I might have cancer or some systemic issue with my glands and nodes.
I am normally upbeat, energetic, excited about my days. Lately it's all I can do to get through non-nap times. I can barely pick Hollis up since I'm still recovering from my Saturday ride, so I'm spending a lot of time on the floor with him where I find it increasingly difficult to not just put my head down on the carpet and doze.
And, NO, I'm not pregnant (Anthony was roaming the globe when some special sexy time would have been needed to get me with child).
I watched Oprah say farewell to Dr. Oz yesterday and it got me thinking about going and getting some tests done. Maybe it's my hormones (God knows I have enough facial hair to make a 13 year old boy jealous), maybe it's my thyroid (I seem to be immune to weight loss activities), or maybe it really is something horrendous like cancer.
The problem is that I don't dig my G.P. She's super Western. She's all about pills and trying out the newest samples in her office, and she once told me that psychological issues were just obstacles we made for ourselves and if we exercised enough will power to feel better, we would (and this was when I was sitting in her office in tears asking for anti-depressants after my dad's death). She's also always skeptical whenever I ask for bloodwork as if I'm strange for wanting it in the first place.
I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I don't know where to go for help with whatever's going on with me (and I'm pretty certain there is). I can go to my G.P. and try to convince her that I really do have something wrong with me, but I have no idea what, or I can go out on a limb and try to find a more holistic M.D.
Or maybe I need to see a shrink, the pill-giving kind. Maybe I'm depressed again? The only reason I stopped taking my meds in the first place was because I found out I was pregnant, not because I was feeling better. Depression certainly isn't linear and I never really went to the end of that mourning process in the first place - I just put it on hold and instead focused on the excitement of the life inside of me and the family I was creating. But this doesn't feel quite like full blown depression. My soul doesn't feel cracked and black and oozing. I feel strong and smart and worthwhile. I have happiness incarnate on two chubby legs with a round, pale belly that likes to peek out from under shirts. The blackness that was the depth of my feelings about the loss of my father and my relationship with him was essentially wiped out with the news of a baby The light of that hope pushed the darkness right out of my heart.
Ok, so, being the keenly observant arm-chair psychologist that I am I've just ruled out depression. That leaves the physical and that leaves me back where I started. Do I go to my G.P. whom I've seen for a decade and just insist on the tests I think I need? Or do I try to find a new G.P. who has a more holistic approach and who will view my questions and concerns as a journey we need to take together?
I'm just tired of feeling like this. Longing for nap times is not a way to mother on a daily basis. Hell, I don't know, maybe this is sadness all over again...
PS: To the people that know me in real life: DON'T. FREAK. OUT. You know who you are... Mom. If I can't write honestly, then there's no point in writing at all. You see me all the time and know that I'm ok and I'm not faking it, but I DO have things on my mind and this is one of them.
Update: I did some research in Austin for integrative, functional medical doctors and came up with big fat NOTHING. They're all either NDs or chiropractors, and while I totally believe in what they can do, I want an MD that can run bloodwork on me and has access to both conventional and alternative remedies. So, I called up my gyno (the first doctor here in Austin who works with midwives in the hospital - yeah, we're fucking backwards like that - and someone whom I've only seen once, but really liked) and had an awkward, on-the-verge-of-tears conversation with the nurse trying to convince her I needed to come in to get checked out for what, I don't know. Then I called up my GP. I figure I'll give her a chance. I can at least rely on her to run bloodwork on me. I'll just have to read up on what I want done.
I have appointments with each on Tuesday of next week and this Saturday, respectively. Wish me luck.