I'm having a bad day

No, really. I am. It's not Hollis-related (he's napping right now).

I woke up mad at the world. It started when Anthony tried to cuddle with me at 2 am. That's my hot time. And not the "hot" as in sexy time, I'm talking when your body temp shoots up. Everyone has a time at night when that happens and mine, inevitably, is when Anthony wants to snuggle.

I'm not mad at him. I'm mad at the bad timing.

Then, the radio was on the fritz.

Then the scale told me I weighed 159 lbs when just two days ago I weighed 154 lbs when in August I weighed 148 lbs.

Then Anthony, trying to help me feel better about myself, suggested that I "get out more" with Hollis to "exercise."

Then my face hurt and my eyes burned because the shit that's in the air here wreaks havoc on my contacts and my constitution in general.

Then I had to eat breakfast standing up in the kitchen because Anthony was leaving for work early so he could come home early.

Then I wasn't sure what to do regarding working out. It seems every time I take Hollis to the gym he gets sick and I have a trip to SF coming up next week and I don't want him ill for that, so I'm confounded.

Then I think do I do a work out tape? Well, ok, maybe, but I just ate, so I need to wait a little while.

Then what about my morning ritual of hopping online, checking email, blogging, whatever while watching The View? It's my one indulgence every day and I SO look forward to it.

Then I guess I'll be ready for my yoga tape after The View. I sure hope Hollis isn't awake by then. (Update, he woke up exactly as the The View ended.)

And my eczema is back in spades and it's cracked and sore this time. I can't even wear my wedding rings.

So that's where I am right now. I'm sitting in my chair, blogging, The View is on, I'm drinking my chai maté and I'm fighting my old friend of self-loathing. It's come out of no where.

I told Anthony when we were kissing goodbye this morning that the reason I get fucking nutty on him whenever he tries to "solve" my body problems with helpful workout tips is because I feel like I'm letting him down somehow and all I want to hear from him is, "Oh sweetie, you're beautiful and I love your body. You'll figure it all out."

And he says to me, "All I want is for you to be happy with you. That will make me happy."


It'd make me happy, too. I don't know where this is coming from. For months I was mysteriously losing weight and I was elated. Finally I was just living my life and things were going my way, I thought. Then I started breastfeeding less and I started putting the pounds back on.

I'll be brutally honest: I like the way I'm living my life and I don't want to do a whole lot differently, but I do want to be fitter. Yes, I'm one of those. I want it to happen to me, not make it happen. The only option in this scenario is to be happy with my body and health as it is, instead of thinking I should be something different.

But oh... if only this were an easy thing to do. My mom told me once, years ago while I was in a fit of frustration and unhappiness about my weight, "Just eat less, Jessica!" For her, that was always the answer for her lithe, 5 foot 9 inch frame.

I've been watching The Biggest Loser religiously and I see how bodies react to working out - even putting weight on in a single week, but I still want to see immediate, positive results. I know my body well enough to know that I need prolonged, consistent working out to yield changes. A month isn't even enough. I need at least 12 solid weeks... so why I can't do this for myself is beyond my intellectual reach, and I'm embarrassed.

I tend to beat up on myself when I'm feeling badly about something. If I spend more money than I expected on something you can bet I'll start feeling like shit about myself. It's at the point now that I can recognize that it's not a body issue at all, but something different all together. Somewhere I learned a Pavlovian response of self-loathing whenever I did something I didn't feel good about instead of just avoiding said behavior. It's a cycle I've been trying to break for a decade. Because if I could release myself from this beast, it could very well be the key to solid inner peace. For real.

I'm also exhausted by all the bullshit out there. Eat carbs, don't eat carbs, eat protein, eat Omega-3s, 12 pieces of fruit, 14 veggies, lean meat, no saturated fats, no trans fats, organic, nothing processed, 2000 calories, 1200 calories, 3 meals, 6 meals, no dairy, no wheat, no gluten, high-fiber, low-fiber, the right kind of fiber, fish, not tuna, eat a Mediterranean diet, a Japanese diet, walk 10,000 steps a day, do strength training, break a sweat, exercise 30 minutes a day, eat yogurt, avoid lactose, bacon is bad, eggs are good, yolks are not, meditate, get enough rest, no food after 7, protein and fat for breakfast, fruit for breakfast, no cantaloupe, no bread, no salt, no alcohol, drink one glass of red wine, no sugar, support humane treatment of food animals, buy local, support your local agribusiness, walk, don't drive, buy a hybrid, be green, recycle, don't vaccinate your baby, vaccinate your baby, use cloth diapers, not disposable, but chlorine-free disposables are ok, beware of autism, make your own baby food, use glass jars, not plastic, read books, write your own story, be polite, but answer to no one, know yourself, improve yourself, beware of the financial crisis, don't be in debt, don't live outside your means, don't forget yourself, take care of yourself, take care of your family, your marriage, your man, your dog, don't be inhumane to pets, be kind to your neighbors, do what's right for you, but don't forget your family, take care of dying animals, know when to treat them, know when to euthanize them, manage your emotional boundaries, give, but don't be a doormat, love, but don't be reckless, go to school, be smart, get a job, be a career-woman, take care of your babies, be supermom, don't be a martyr, don't be an asshole, bake a casserole, save the planet, save yourself, save the future, be a responsible citizen, vote.

It's all there... in my head, weighing on me like a million pounds. It's no wonder I'm waking up depleted and sad and mad. I'm paralyzed with the enormity of it all. Please, I don't want any words of advice. Words of encouragement, fine. But not advice. I can't hear it right now. I'll implode if I hear one more thing I should do. It's enough already. I know it all. It's all there. I just need to let the dust settle and I'll feel better.

This is a private entry for the public sphere. I have no idea why I just did this, but here it is.

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