I'm not dead.

Day in the park.

I haven't written in so long because I feel lost here.  This is Worthwhile used to be about my life as a stay-at-home mom and now what is it?  About a post-divorce woman who only has her kid half the time?

I'm not going to talk about my dating life here, or my loneliness, or my general angst at life.  That seems boring and sorta like a given.

But I can update you on some things in case anyone's even still interested.

  • I am still volunteering at a local agency a couple of days a week, I pay for professional memberships and supervision, which essentially means I pay to work each week.  
  • I have no income and am living off of savings -- don't worry, I have at least a year's worth in my stash.
  • My schedule hobbles me - don't even get me started on everyone's great ideas of what I could do to earn money.  Trust me, I know what I can and can't do.  I have Hawk every other week and I cannot and will not work on nights or weekends when I have him.  Missing out even 4 hours with him on a weekend is tragically too much as little as I see him in an average "work" week. 
  • I have problems putting myself to sleep and then wake up at 4, 5, and 6 am mind racing about my money and job situation.
  • Getting the dog was mostly a mistake, though things are getting better.
  • My back pain has increased to an all time high, though recently it's improved, too.
  • I love my work and feel like I'm on the right track.
  • I've made some wonderful new friends and have maintained and cultivated old ones.
  • I am ready to find someone to love me.
  • When asked if he thought I was cranky a lot, Hawk said yes.  I apologized and have made a concerted effort to improve my attitude.  It's changed a lot for me, most notably it's made me sadder and happier simultaneously.
  • The boy is doing spectacularly.  He's well settled into the routine of our lives.  School all day with lots of playing and socializing, then I pick him up and we spend the evening together watching My Little Pony, read, and snuggle.  Wednesday nights, Rooster or my parents pick him up and take him to dinner so I can work till 7.  Every Friday, whether he's with me or his dad, my folks keep him overnight.  Saturdays and Sundays are filled with running around and possibly my friends coming over.  
  • When I'm kidless, I'm miserable.  
More than anything, I feel old.  Like old-old.  And I'm sick of Blogger.  If I keep doing this, I'm going to move it to WP.  Fuck this noise.  I hate it.  And then I'm going to restart TIW to reflect my life and I'm going to let loose with all the bullshit.  I need an outlet.  I will likely talk about dating, job hunting, post-divorce emotional wastelands, and mothering only half the time.

I think I love my life, but I think something is missing, too.  I just can't quite put my finger on it.


  1. I'm hiding from Google so I'm not logging on with them, but I wanted to thank you for posting an update. I've lurked for a long while now and have been wondering how you are.

    You did *not* ask for advice, but a work/schedule solution I came up with for myself was Leapforce. There's a no-disclosure thing, but http://quieti.blogspot.com/2010/03/leapforce-experience.html is a fairly accurate description. As little as 5 hours a month fulfills the minimum requirement of tasks, but there's no limit on the number and timing of your hours.

    Take care. Look forward to you letting loose.

    - Britt

  2. I want to hear it all. Make sure to send me the link to whatever new site you have. Hugs.

  3. When I went through my separation and divorce 9 years ago after enthusiastically assuring anyone who would listen that MY marriage was "for life" and that I would never ever get divorced.. I remember the sick chaotic feeling as though I was taking a leap of a cliff blindfolded. It took me almost a year before I stopped functioning on sheer adrenaline and could feel ANYTHING beyond "Must survive. Must keep kids safe". I vividly remember the following years of watching my life morph from predictable me to train wreck/odd decision me.. and back to safe revised healthy me.

    Your blog has been utterly cathartic for me. Nearly nothing has ever brought me back to those confusing and buried feelings the way your blog has. Who even talks about this stuff?

    I know that I am not the only person who is not only OK with your moving from "SAHM attachment parenting full time mommy" to "HOLY HELL I am a shared parenting Mom reinventing herself and not sure what the hell I am even doing" mommy. Seriously. You have an audience. PLEASE keep writing. And thank you.

  4. Girl, call me. Seriously, Or give me your number so I can call you. I have been a crappy bloggy friend and a crappier birthday buddy, I am so fucking busy I have trouble falling asleep and staying asleep because I cannot let go of my to-do list for the following day, but I'm here. And I heart you!!

  5. I love your blog...if you move, keep us posted! I really hope true love finds you! And an awesome job opportunity arises as well!!!!